Paradise with a Twist
by ksoccer
Summary: So this starts where chapter one leaves off and is basically what I would want to happen. I tried to make it as realistic as possible, so we will see how it turns out.
1. I'm Here

**Disclaimer: I did not write Private, Kate Brian did.**

**So this starts where chapter 1 is left off. For anyone who has not read the chapter, or who forgot it, basically Ivy was the one who was shot, and now Josh is going to stay be her side in the hospital. He confronts Reed about this, and Reed understands that they can only be friends:**

As I walked down the hall towards Noelle, the significance of everything suddenly came into proportion. I was responsible for ruining three people's lives. If I had stayed at Croton and accepted the life I was born into Cheyenne would still be breathing, Thomas would probably be wasted right now, and Ivy would be working on her senior project. I was responsible for all of this, and there was no way I could change it. Ariana and Sabine killed those people because of me; I led them to their insanity and cruel revenge. In the process of trying to ruin my life they had taken away the life of others.

And then the second wave of reality hit me and I realized I was going to be sick. I quickly ran into the bathroom down the hall and proceeded to vomit until I felt empty. Tears were streaming down my face, and began to feel empty of everything; the food I ate before, the feelings of anger, guilt, and self pity. However, I could not seem to loose the feeling of loss. I was all alone in the world. Everyone had left me. The first guy I thought I loved had left me, my family had left me at a school six hours away, my best friend had left me as a murderer, and most importantly my true love had left me for another girl. A girl who had worked this entire year to ruin my life, who mocked me, and tortured me every second I had, a girl who until about a day ago I was convinced she was stalling me and had killed one of my roommates, A girl who was now lying in a hospital bed because of me.

I was surprised though by how well I was able to compose my self. The last time I had been found vomiting in the bathroom I was unfortunately found my Ivy who had managed to insult me and fabricate a lie about how I was suffering from bulimia.

I started to make my way back to the waiting room and was immediately pulled aside by Noelle.

"How are you feeling?" Noelle asked

It was funny to think how the one person who tortured and teased me endlessly for the first couple weeks of my time at Easton was now the only person I could rely on. She just sat there with nothing but understanding and concern in her eyes. But how could she express sympathy for me when I almost had sex with her boyfriend and embarrassed her in front of the entire school when they found out? How could she sit by my side after weeks of ignoring me?

"Noelle, I'm so … so" I started to say, but as soon as the words came out of my mouth I began to sob again.

"Reed" she began, lifting my face with her delicate fingers. "There is nothing you need to be sorry for. I heard everything Sabine said. I know that you were drugged that night at the legacy, and she caused everything that happened with Dash."

"Oh Noelle, I betrayed you, I'm so, so sorry. I'm a horrible friend and an even worse person" I had to make sure she understood I was sorry, but all I saw was confusion on her face.

"No, Reed. I'm the one that needs to apologize. I did not even let you explain. After seeing that video I just assumed that you knew what you were doing and were in complete control." Noelle blurted everything out in a rush. Every other time I saw Noelle speaking she was always so in control, but know it seemed like she would say anything to get me back.

The only problem is that I was never really mad at her. I understood why she had kicked me out of Billings and how she could stop being my friend. After all, if she had tried to go after Josh I would have treated her the same way, and I had to make sure she could see that.

"Noelle, it is okay, I'm not mad. I'm just happy that you forgive me and we can be friends again." I confirmed

Suddenly Noelle's face lit with joy as she began to talk, "Oh not only are we going to be friends, but we are also going to be housemates."

"Haha yeah right, like you would leave Billings to share a room with me. Would you" I asked. And I must have had a very confused look on my face because Noelle started to look at me the way she did when I would say something stupid, or something proving I was from a different world from her.

"You are right; there is no way I would survive in Pemberly. However, I'm pretty sure you would be able to handle coming back to Billings, because last time I checked I was the one who got you out of Billings, and I'm pretty sure I can get you back in. All we have to do is vote." Noelle responded with a smug look upon her face.

"What? Seriously? Oh my gosh, Noelle that would be amazing!" I nearly shouted. It seemed like at least one thing would go my way today.

"Okay, well then let's get you out there so we can tell the girls the good news," she began to say, but then stopped when a new emotion came across her face. "Speaking of news, how is Ivy doing?"

And then everything came back. Although I was getting my new friend back, and my perfect room back, I realized that I was not getting my home back because as I realized in the beginning of the year, I could not be home unless I was with Josh, and right now Josh was with someone else.

"Oh Ivy is doing well, the doctor said that she should be fine and awake in no time." I responded with little emotion behind my voice.

"And how is Josh? Did you guys talk?" Noelle asked, with a look of curiosity moving across her face.

"Um I don't really want to talk about it." I told Noelle, trying to erase my thoughts of him from my brain.

"Oh, okay. I understand. But you know if you want to talk about it I'm here." Noelle confirmed, and then quickly changed the subject when she saw that I was in no mood to dwell on Josh. "Well then let's go tell the girls, and get you back into Billings."

"Okay," I agreed "But you are going to do most of the talking because I'm not sure how long I can hold back all of the emotions which are mixed up inside of me right now."

"Agreed." And then Noelle and I walked back to the center of the of the waiting room to confront the rest of the week.

**Please let me know what you are thinking, and please review! Thanks for reading. **


	2. Peaceful Dreams

**Disclaimer: I do not write Private, Kate Brian does.**

When we got to the waiting room I was surprised by the number of people that were there. Honestly it never really seemed like Ivy had that many friends at Easton, and although I was happy so many people showed up to make sure she was okay, I was still a little shocked. I was suddenly rushed with questions from all over the room coming from every direction.

The first person to really catch my attention was Constance. "Oh my gosh, Reed are you okay? I saw everything. I can't believe Sadine did all of that."

And then I heard Astrid saying, "Reed I'm so sorry. How are you feeling? Is everything okay?

Even Gage was there asking, "Are you okay Reed? I tried to get Sadine, but I was not fast enough"

I was so confused. Why was everyone asking about me and not Ivy? After all, I was not shot. Josh had pushed Sadine far enough out of the way that the bullet missed me, and unfortunately went into someone else.

"Wait, wait" I started to yell over the commotion of all of the questions. "Why are you asking about me? I'm fine. Ivy is the one laying in a hospital bed, not me." Everyone looked back at me so confused, like I was crazy or something for thinking they should be concerned about someone else.

Then Constance pulled me to the side and started to explain. "Reed you almost died. If Josh had not gotten there in time then she would have shot you right in the heart and killed you."

"Yeah, but she didn't I'm not hurt at all. Ivy is, everyone should be worrying about her." I started to say, but was interrupted by Tiffany.

"No offence to Ivy or anything, but she is not close to as important to us as you are. I mean after everything you just heard Sabine confess to how can you be okay?"

"Like with you and Josh. Sabine caused that to happen. If it was not for her you guys would still be together. Doesn't that affect you at all? Constance agreed.

Then Tiffany started again, "And everything with you and Dash, that was also Sabine's fault. Oh Reed, I'm so sorry I did not let you explain. I should have heard what you had to say before I turned my back on you. What kind of friend am I?"

And then I realized I could not let these people feel guilty for everything they had done. I had to set them free, "No, Tiffany, Constance. It is fine, all of that is behind us now. Let's just focus on what we have to do to get everything back to normal."

Ha, normal I though to myself. Normal was the watch word. Whenever something seemed to go back to normal something horrible would happen. But this time I was sure everything would go correctly, and I would finally be able to live my life at Easton the way I hoped to a year and a half ago.

By interrupting my train of though Tiffany and Constance both agreed and led me back into the group of students waiting to see what news I could give them.

Instead of answering the questions they had all asked me earlier I decided to skip to the important information dealing with Ivy. I explained everything Josh had told me, how the doctor's thought she would be okay, and should wake up at any time. The most important thing for her now is her rest. And just to help her case I added a little something, "What Ivy really needs now is her friends and the support of her peers."

I was hoping that by working on Ivy's side it would make up for the fact that I had tried to steal her boyfriend away from her, and was still in love with him even while he was sitting by her side in the Hospital. Also, I was hoping the attention might switch from me to Ivy, and people would start to show a little bit more concern.

Unfortunately, only have of my plan worked, and the attention came away from me, but instead of moving to Ivy it seemed to have just switch to everyone else in the room. After I made my short announcement everyone seemed satisfied with the news and the crowd in the waiting room seemed to decrease one person at a time.

Once people stopped clearing out the only students left in the room were Ivy's roommate from Easton, Noelle, Tray, Astrid, and Constance. I'm pretty sure the only reason Noelle, Astrid, and Constance were there was for my benefit, but I did not complain, considering I was not really ready to be by myself at that point.

We all stayed in the hospital for the next couple of days just waiting for Ivy to wake up. Since I refused to leave the waiting room, and all of the girls refused to leave my side Trey was constantly making trips to the cafeteria and gift shop for us. I did not even want to go to the bathroom, because I was so afraid I would miss the doctor when he came to tell us Ivy was awake.

Each night everyone spread across the comfortable couches in the waiting room and fell into their peaceful dreams. I on the other hand was incapable of sleeping. Every time I would so much as close my eyes all I could see was Sabine with a glare all across her face pointing a gun directly at me, and then I would wake up immediately. Hyperventilating and scared half to death.


	3. Friends

**Disclaimer: I do not write Private, Kate Brian does.**

"Reed!" I heard josh yell.

And then I looked in front of me and saw Sabine standing over my body with a gun. Her face was as cold as stone, and looked as if she could melt ice with the fiery passion of hate behind her eyes. I heard a loud bang, and everything went black.

I jumped up.

It was pitch black, and I could not see anything around me. All I felt was the cushion under my body, and hands holding me tight to someone's chest. The hands slowly started to pull me away from their body and I looked into the deep blue eyes of the most perfect guy I had ever met.

"Josh" I gasped, "what are you doing here?"

"Ivy's awake," he started to explain. "And I came out here to tell everyone, and I saw you tossing in your sleep screaming about something. And then I don't know… I just had to come over, and make sure you were okay."

As he paused his eyes started to look over the room, and a guilty look came across his face as he moved backwards away from me. "Oh, sorry, I mean, I should not have touched you. I'm sorry, that was wrong." He started to say.

But I did not want him to let go. I needed him to be there and tell me everything was okay. I needed him by my side. Why was he sorry?

"No, Josh it is fine what are you apologizing for?" I started to ask but was cut off as he started to pull me away to a corner out of sight from everyone else in the room.

"Listen, Reed there is something I need to tell you." He started to say, but then took a deep breath, almost as if he was afraid to say whatever he wanted to. "I'm in love with you, I have always been in love with you, and I will never stop being in love with you."

"But…" I began to say, but was I cut off as he continued to speak.

"When I read your note and saw the paintbrushes you had given me I knew that you still loved me too. And when I heard what Sabine said about drugging you the night of the Legacy I realized that you never betrayed me. I was the one that tuned my back on you because I did not let you explain what happened that night. After everything happened with Cheyenne and me, you let me explain and I should have done the same for you." Finally he stopped giving me a chance to process everything.

"But, Josh. What about Ivy? Don't you love her? If you still love me, then why are you staying with her? Don't you want to be with me?" I asked, with each question blurring together into one thought.

"No Reed, I never loved Ivy. I could never have the same feelings I feel for you, for someone else too. But right now Ivy needs me. I have to give her a chance, and I can't just leave her all alone" Josh explained with a sad look on his face.

And once again reality set back in. Ivy needed him more, and Josh was a good guy, so instead of doing what he wanted he would do the right thing. The only problem with that though is that I was left all alone. That did not seem fair. I mean after all, I had gone though a lot that year too. First with Cheyenne dying, and then trying to be murdered twice. Didn't I deserve a happy ending? Didn't I deserve the guy in my dreams?

Josh and I were so close in that little corner, and yet we were so far away. All I wanted to do was reach out and touch him. Feel his warm skin under my hand; move is beautiful blonde curls between my fingers. Feel his soft lips against mine. But I knew I couldn't I knew I had to give him his space, and be a friend like I promised myself I would be initially.

And then he touched me. His smooth, delicate fingers moved slowly across my cheeks, and a small shiver was sent though my body. It was almost as if there was an electrical attraction between us pulling us closer and closer together. All I wanted was to feel his smooth lips against my skin. I wanted to feel like he needed me as much as I need him.

And then everything changed. Josh's face turned to stone, and he slowly pulled away. But, his eyes never lost focus. He continued to look into mine as if he was seeing me for the first time trying to figure out what I was thinking.

"So, um, well, do you want to go and see Ivy? She just woke up?" He said, breaking all contact between us. Like we were just friends, which is all we could be.

And that was it, the boundaries had been set between us, and there was no turning back now. However, as a friend I should have been able to go into Ivy's room and talk to her, like nothing had changed, but I couldn't. I did not think I was capable of looking into the eyes of the girl who had stolen Josh away from me. In my eyes Ivy had taken the one thing that was perfect in my life, and even though I knew it was not her fault I could not seem to forgive her.

"Actually I'm on breakfast duty," I lied to Josh, hoping I could avoid seeing Ivy for a little bit longer. "Why don't you wake up the others, maybe they will want to go in," I suggested, and without another look into those deep blue eyes I turned and headed towards the empty cafeteria.

**Hey guys, thanks for reading! So this chapter has not been reviewed yet, so if anyone wants to that would be great. Oh, and if you think the reason it has not been reviewed is because it sucks or was written poorly, then please let me know because then I can fix it to the best of my ability. Thanks! **


	4. Kicked Out

**Disclaimer: I do not write Private, Kate Brian does.**

When I came back from the cafeteria I had a tray stacked with every possible breakfast food I could find. Since it was not actually my job to get everyone breakfast I had no idea what anyone wanted, so I just took everything. The waiting room was a little bit more crowded than it was when I left it, but I did not recognize anyone in there. I started to look around for Noelle and the others, but none of them were in their usual spots.

Finally Astrid appeared from the hallway leading to the bathroom, welcoming me with a huge hug. "Hey, what's up? Where is everyone?" I asked her as she slowly let me out of her grasp.

"Well that's actually a funny story. You see Noelle and Constance went in to see Ivy when she woke up and Ivy kind of kicked them out of her room, and told them to leave the hospital." Astrid explained with a smug look on her face.

"What? Why would Ivy kick them out?" I asked, searching for some sort of clarification as to why Ivy would be so rude.

"I guess Noelle said something to Ivy that made her freak, and she decided she did not want any of the billings girls present, or anywhere near her." Astrid told me, looking at me like she was guilty of committing some sort of crime.

I ignored her expression, and continued to ask my questions, "Well, then why are you still here? I mean no offence or anything, but you are a Billings girl aren't you?"

"Yes, and I'm still here cause technically Ivy kicked us out of her room. She can't kick us out of the hospital, and since Trey was still allowed in there and I wanted to stay, I just decided to wait out here for him. And Noelle would have stayed to wait for you, but you know how she gets, when someone tells her what to do. I would not be surprised if she was not back at Billings planning her revenge right now." Astrid said, in order to clarify why she was still here.

"Oh okay, I understand. Well then I guess I better go. I mean I know I'm not really a Billings girl anymore, but I doubt Ivy would want me around her either." I rationalized, grateful that I had an excuse to get out of this depressing hospital without having to feel guilty for leaving Ivy behind.

"Actually, you were the only person Ivy specifically said was still allowed in her room. As a matter of fact, she said that whenever you got back from getting food, she really wanted to see you." As Astrid said this she must have seen the shift in my face because she suddenly had an apologetic look on her face. "Listen Reed, I know this must be really hard for you to face Ivy and everything, and I would totally go in with you, but unfortunately I have been banned. If you want I can ask Trey to accompany you in there. I'm sure he would not mind."

At that moment I wanted Josh more than anything in the world. I wanted someone who could stand by my side and tell me everything was going to be okay. I needed him to be there for me. I did not want to have to look to my ex-boyfriend's roommate for support, I wanted the real thing. But I knew I could not have it because at that moment the real thing was exactly what I was afraid of walking towards. Unfortunately, it seemed as if I could not avoid this meeting any longer, and I would just have to go in and get it over with.

"Reed, Reed, are you okay?" Astrid asked me, breaking me out of my trance.

"Yeah, I'm fine. And its cool, I can go in alone. That way you can hang out with Trey while I'm in there." And with that parting note I turned towards the inpatient hallway, and made my way towards Ivy's door for the second time that week.

**Yeah, so this story has not been reviewed either, and if it is not to much to ask would you mind writing some comments? Thanks! **


	5. Confrontation

**Disclaimer: I do not write Private, Kate Brian does.**

It seemed to take much longer to get to room 4007 this time than it had the first time I went down this depressing hallway. Maybe it was because the previous time I had been distracted by my memories of that horrible night, with Sabine's murderous face constantly flashing into my mind. Also, the last time I was here it had felt more like I was walking towards Josh, because I knew Ivy was not awake yet, and the last time I had done it as a mission to get information for the rest of my peers.

Everything about this was different though, because now I had to actually face Ivy. It was all my fault Ivy was in the hospital was in pain right now. If she had not come back to help me then she would probably be hanging out with Josh right now in her dorm room at Easton. Everything would be so different, and I would not have to be walking down the hallway of doom.

When I arrived at room 4007 I was not sure if I should just wait for someone to come out and then go in, or if I should just knock, or let myself in. I decided the best way to go about it would be to just knock, and wait for someone to ether let me in, or welcome me. The last thing I wanted to do was walk in on Ivy and Josh doing something I probably should not see.

However, when I knocked and was allowed in there were more people present than I had expected. Ivy's parents who I recognized from the pictures in her room at the Legacy were sitting in a small couch next to Ivy's bed and Trey and Ivy's roommate were sitting on the other side of the bed. Josh was off to the corner reading the directions to something in an uncomfortable looking chair. When I walked in everyone looked up immediately as if I was some sort of Alien who had just arrived on earth. Embarrassed by the curious stares, my face turned a deep crimson, and I turned around about to walk back out the door.

"Wait, don't go." A voice announced, preventing me from taking the easy way out. When I turned around to see who had spoken up I realized Ivy was now sitting up in her bed gesturing for me to come closer to her. "We have to talk," she said patting her bed for me to sit down.

"Oh" was all I could manage to say. I did not really understand why she was being so nice to me. I mean didn't she realize that I had tried to steal her boyfriend away from her? Maybe she felt pity for me since my efforts were obviously not very successful.

As I moved to sit next to her on the bed she started talking again, "Um, could everyone please leave us alone for a couple minutes? I have to talk to Reed about some things."

Josh was the first to get up, and he practically ran out of the room, looking at me like I was a bomb or something about to explode. Ivy's parents were the last to leave the room, after telling her multiple times that if she needed anything they would be just down the hall.

Once the room had cleared out my hands began to shake. I was so worried about what she was going to say. I knew she was going to confront me at some point about the present I had given Josh, and how I needed to step away from her guy. But I wondered would she be tactful about it?

_So how are you and Josh doing? He said you guys talked a little bit._

Or would she just come right out and say that she knew what I was trying to do, and how she thought we were going to be friends, but obviously I was just a backstabbing bitch. Is that what I was? I mean I was in love with him first. Wasn't it my job to try to win him back?

Then Ivy coughed and I was taken out of my day dream. "So how have you been? I feel like I have been so disconnected since I have been unconscious for so long." Ivy started with. So she was going to beat around the bush. Didn't she realize that made everything so much more painful for me?

I decided to just stay calm, and act very nonchalant. "Oh well I have been in the hospital for the last couple days waiting for you to wake up, so I have been pretty disconnected to. What about you? How are you feeling?" I asked, thinking the best way to go about everything would be to switch the conversation on to her.

"Oh, well I have pretty bad bed hair, but besides that I'm doing pretty well. Since I was out so long the doctors said it gave my body a lot of time to heal on its own, so it was not as painful when I woke up." She responded, trying to make a smile, even though I could tell she was still in a little bit of pain.

"Good, I'm happy to hear you are feeling well." I know it was a dumb response but I honestly had no idea what to say. I mean would it have been right for me to just come out and confess everything I had been trying to do, or just wait and see what she had to say. For what seemed like hours we sat there in silence, each of us trying to think of the right thins to say.

Finally Ivy spoke up, "listen, I know this must be weird having Josh here and us still being together, but I was hoping we would be able to still be friends."

What? I wanted to scream. Friends? She wanted to be friends with me. The girl who spied on her, and gone through her room. The girl who had accused her of murdering her best friend? The girl who was responsible for her being in the hospital? And most importantly, did she really want to be friends with the girl who had tried to steal her boyfriend away?

"Friends?" I finally spoke up.

"Yeah, I mean I know we had some rough patches, but I think once we could get passed those, then you and I could be good friends, even Josh and you could be friends." She confirmed, looking at me with those deep pleading eyes.

I understood now. Josh had not told her. It seemed like Josh had forgotten to mention to Ivy that I was still in love with him, and did not tell her about the present I had made Josh for the gift exchange. Still though, without knowing any of that information could she still want to be my friend? I tried to refresh her memory, "Are you sure you want to be friends with me? I mean I am a Billings girl remember. I thought you hated anyone from Billings."

"I think I can get past that if you can. After this accident I realized there were more important things in life than holding grudges" She explained, trying to justify her reasons for suddenly wanting to b friends.

"Does that mean that you are willing to forgive Noelle for everything, and you guys might be able to be friends again?" I asked hoping, that maybe they could all get along.

Ivy's face turned cold, "NO!" she practically yelled. "Noelle is evil, and will always be evil. She does not deserve friends.

I was taken back by Ivy's change in attitude, and I suddenly wanted to leave the room and even the hospital immediately. "Oh, well that makes things difficult," I said, as I started to inch towards the door. "Let me think about it. I have a lot of things going on." I knew this was a ridiculous excuse, but I honestly had no idea what to say, so I just walked out.

Before I was all the way out the door though, Ivy's voice stopped me. "Hey, Reed, when you get back can you tell Noelle that she is right, but that does not change anything because I will never let go or stop trying."

"Sure," I said, willing to do anything to get out at that point, and turned away closing the door behind me.

**Please Review!**


	6. Willy Wonka

**Disclaimer: I do not write Private, Kate Brian does.**

For the rest of the day I avoided going anywhere near Ivy's hospital room. I just waited around in the hospital to get the latest report on how she was doing and when the doctors though she would be able to go home. Fortunately I was also able to avoid Josh for the rest of the day, which meant I did not feel quite as guilty as I had for feeling the way I do about him. At around nine o'clock Astrid and I decided to head back to Easton, and try to resume a normal sleeping schedule. We took Trey's car back because Josh and Trey were going back in Josh's SUV and I honestly did not feel like having to drive back with Josh, as well as another happy couple at our side.

When we arrived back at Easton I decided to go into Billings to ask Noelle a question and pass Ivy's message along to her. Normally I would have waited until the morning to ask since I did not want to have to face the humiliation of going back to my previous residence, but since Noelle and I seemed to be on good terms, I thought it would be okay to stop by.

Astrid went in first sliding her card through the sensor, and held the door open for me. When I went in everyone was clustered around the foyer entrance and there was a huge sign hanging saying "Welcome Home." Immediately Noelle appeared from behind the crowd of people and began to explain what the party was for.

"So we voted earlier and it was Unanimous. Everyone decided that you should come back to Billings, and most importantly they reinstated you as president." She said with a huge smile on her face, almost as if this was just as beneficial for her as it was for me.

"What!" I exclaimed. "Are you serious? I'm back in? Wow this is great. And really, everyone voted for me? I thought everyone hated me after what had happened."

Vienna stepped forward to explain, "Are you kidding, you were like the best thing that ever happened to Billings. And now that we see you were not responsible for what you did with Dash everything can go back to normal."

"Yeah I mean WTH Reed. We TLU, how could you think we could hate you?" Portia stepped in continuing the explanation.

"WTH? TLU?" I turned to Rose, asking for clarification. Portia hated it when people asked her the meaning of her abbreviations, so I always had to turn to Rose for assistance. It felt good to be back into my previous trends.

"What the heck and totally love you." Rose explained, and then continued by saying, "And it's true Reed, we are all so happy to have you back. Billings was not the same without you. The whole time you were gone I wanted to reach out to you." And then she leaned in a little closer whispering, "Honestly I was just afraid of what Noelle would do to me if I talked to you. I'm sorry, I should not have let my fear control me."

"Okay, enough with the lovey dovey welcome homes. Let's get to the fun part of the evening." Noelle shouted over the quiet conversations of the boisterous crowd, and started to lead us all into the living room.

I had dreamed about the day when I would be allowed back into Billings and I did not expect it to be anything like this. I was overwhelmed with the comforting feeling of my home, like I knew this was the place where I truly belonged and everyone around me knew as well. The Living room which was normally laid out in a very conservative fashion was now set up as if Willy Wonka had just moved in. There was some sort of candy of chocolate bar covering every inch of the room with all different colors and patterns to make the room even more elaborate.

Noelle stood up on the beach in front of the fire place and started to announce the activities for the evening, "So Reed we thought after everything you had been though you could use a good dose of chocolate and recede back into your childhood years when everything was so perfect and innocent. I know it sounds silly, but we did it for Taylor once when she was really stressed out, and it worked like a charm."

Little did Noelle know, but my childhood years were not fully of happiness and innocence. I had spent majority of my free time cleaning up my mom and working towards helping her to be as normal as possible. The only fun times I ever really had was when I could escape into my books, and I was sure Noelle would not be very happy if I ducked out of her perfectly planned party to read. So I decided to just put on a smile, and try my hardest to enjoy myself.

"So what is on the schedule for tonight?" I asked, trying to mix with the sense of euphoria in the air.

"Well we have diamond bobbing, and a scavenger hunt, and of course plenty of alcohol, each with their own mix of chocolate, or some other sweet." Noelle answered with a childish smirk on her face.

Most of the time when I saw the Billings girls that had always seemed to put together and mature, but now I was the one who seemed so much older. There were girls all over the room eating chocolate, and making different types of candy necklaces. Instantly my eyes shifted to Missy, one of the most up tight girls I had met at Easton, and even she seemed like she was enjoying herself. I quickly decided maybe there was a chance I could have fun, and forget about all of my problems for just one night.

I decided to go with the diamond bobbing. I had always been pretty good at bobbing for apples as a kid at Halloween parties, so I thought it could not be that big of a difference. Right?

Wrong! When the rich decide to bob, they do it with beautifully cut shiny diamonds. When Noelle saw my eyes pop open as if they were about to pop out she quickly began to explain the rules.

"Okay, so here is how you play," she began." Inside this tub there are a bunch of small rhinestones, and mixed in with the rhinestones are diamond necklaces, diamond earrings, and diamond bracelets. The goal in the game is to fish through the tub of rhinestones and pull out as many pieces of diamond jewelry as you can within thirty seconds. Whatever you take out you can keep. Does everyone understand?"

The games continued all through the night, each more elaborate and expensive than the previous one had been. By the end of the party I had probably gained a couple thousand dollars in accessories. The best pert about the evening though was that I had managed to forget about my Josh, Ivy, and Sadine problems, and just focus on having fin for a change.

When the party was finally broken up at midnight I had stayed behind to help Noelle clean up. Truthfully I just wanted to confront her about what she had said to Ivy in the hospital, but I figured if I had used that as my explanation as to why I had stayed behind she would have sent me right to my room.

"So I talked to Ivy today what exactly did you say to her that made her so mad? Cause when I mentioned your name to her she suddenly became really angry." I asked, trying to sound as indifferent as possible, when really I was dying to know what happened.

"Ha-ha, well that is for me to know and you to find out. Anyways, isn't it past your bed time? I thought the doctor said you should be getting plenty of rest." Noelle was clearly not going to talk about what she had said, and I was not in the mood to argue, so I just let it drop.

"Oh man, I completely forgot, I don't have any of my stuff, I guess I better go back to Pemberly," I said as I began to walk towards the exit of Billings.

"Oh no, you don't," Noelle exclaimed, grabbing the hood of my jacket. "We moved your stuff into Constance's room earlier today. We figured you would not want to be back in your old room since it did not have the greatest memories, and Constance was more than willing to share a room with you."

"Really? That's great" I yelled down to Noelle as I started to make my way up the steps. I had looking forward to this moment more than anything, being back in my own comfortable bed, and a room that I could not touch wall to wall when I spread out my rooms. It was even better that I would be rooming with Constance; one of my first real friend at Billings.

When I passed my old room a small shiver went through my body. However, this was not a shiver of fear, which I had expected. It was more a shiver of realization. It was almost relieving to finally know who had killed Cheyenne and that they would never be able to hurt anyone again. And on that note I turned towards my new room, where Constance met me with a strong welcoming hug.

**So, sorry I keep begging you for reviews, but once again this story has not been reviewed yet, so if you are having a good day, and would like to tell me what you wuld think, that would be great. Or if you are having a bad day, and really just feel like lashing out at someone, then feel free to use my story as a punching bag. NO matter what your opinion is I love to know what my readers are thinking. Thanks! **


	7. Breakfast

**Disclaimer: I do not write Private, Kate Brian does.**

When I woke up in the morning it was the first time in a whole that I was actually happy to wake up. Although I had still had the reoccurring nightmare about Sabine, it had not lasted the entire night like usual. And I preferred waking up on a comfortable bed in my own room instead of a hard couch in a depressing hospital.

"Good morning, sleepy head." Constance beamed, interrupting my train of though. "Ready to go to breakfast?"

_Ugh!_ And then reality set back in and I remembered why I had been dreading this morning so much. When I went down to the dinning hall I was going to have to see Ivy and Josh together once again. And even worse, I was going to have to pretend like I was okay being just friends with both of them.

"Yes!" I lied, "let's go"

On the way to the dining hall Constance did most of the talking besides a couple _"oh, okay's" _and some _"mhms"_ from me every now and then. She updated me on everything that ad been going on at Billings since I left, and anything I missed between her and Whit, which was surprisingly not that much, even though she could have probably talked about it for hours.

When we got to the double doors of the Dining hall I stopped in my tracks. I had to make a decision before entering. Would I pretend that I could be happy just being friends, or would I just ignore them and avoid any eye contact or communication? Honestly the easier thing to do would just be avoid them, that way I would not have to suffer through Ivy and Josh being together. However, if I was not friends with them, then would that mean I would never see Josh? I was not sure if I could handle that.

Before I was able to make a final decision I felt a tugging on my arm, and when I looked up there was Constance pulling me into the dinning hall.

"Come on Reed," she insisted, "I'm starving, let's get a move on"

"Oh, sorry," I said. "I guess I just wanted to savor the moment a little longer. After all, this is the first time I will be back at the Billings' table. I want to remember it."

At least part of that was true. It was my first time back, and I did want to remember it. I just did not want to have to face the other first that I was going to have to come across today.

When we got to our table I realized that it was actually pretty empty. Besides the teachers table, there was only one other table besides mine that had people at it.

_Thank God! _I thought, _at least somebody is on my side._

I quickly decided that I would rush into the line, and maybe be fast enough that I could finish my breakfast before Ivy and Josh came, and then make up some lame excuse as to why I had to leave breakfast early.

Constance on the other hand, wanted to wait for everyone else to arrive, so I was stuck waiting in line by myself. It was kind of a weird feeling to be alone again. Since the accident I had not actually spent any time alone, and I was definitely not expecting the rush of emotions that went through me. I suddenly felt very alone and scared like I was a weak little mouse in the middle of a lion's den.

But all of those negative emotions went away, when took a deep breath, and smelled my favorite scent in the entire world. Within that deep breath I gained a sense of security. It smelled like home. A place where you are loved and cherished, and where you knew someone would always be there waiting to welcome you. It was the most familiar smell to me. It was Josh.

More than anything I wanted to turn around and touch Josh. Tell him how I did not just want to be friends, but I knew I couldn't. I decided to just ignore him. All he could see was my dark brown hair and the rest of my back. There were tons of girls who looked just like me from behind, and I was sure her would not be able to identify me.

"Reed?" I heard the familiar voice ask.

_Crap! _I was not sure if I should turn around or just pretend I was someone else.

"Reed?" he repeated, with what sounded like hope behind his voice.

When I turned around to face him it was like I had been hit right in the gut. His deep blue eyes stared right into mine, and they were filled with anguish and all sorts of pain. All I wanted to do was hug him, and tell him everything would be okay. But would everything be okay? His okay was very different from my okay.

"Hey" I finally said when I realized I had been staring at him for an unusually long time. "How are you?" I asked.

_How are you? _What kind of question is that? Of course he was not doing well, I could tell that just from looking at his face.

"Oh, I'm good, how are you?" he lied

"Really, because it seems like you just got hit by a bus, or worse." I said, catching him in his obvious lie.

Surprisingly he laughed a little before responding, "You could always tell when something was wrong. Like it was your sixth sense or something to know when I was lying."

"I guess I just paid attention well enough to know what you were actually thinking." I replied.

"Yeah, it's weird that after all this time you still know me so well." He said.

_Oh no!_ Was I really capable of talking about our past relationship, and how things "used" to be between us? Could I handle looking back at the past, when all I really wanted to do was relive every moment of it? Was josh trying to imply that he wanted to go back to the way things were before to?

"Reed?" Josh said, taking me away from my stream of rhetorical questions. "Is everything okay?"

And there it was, the ultimate question. Was everything okay? NO! Nothing was okay, but did I want him to know that? Of course not.

"Uh yeah, I'm great." I lied.

"Really? Because you look like you just got hit by a bus." He repeated.

"Touché. I guess it turns out you know me just as well as I know you. But yeah, I think I'm just a little distracted." I finally admitted.

"You know Reed if you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here. It might be hard to believe but I'm actually a pretty good listener. I can help."

Oh yeah, that would be a great idea, have the guy who is causing all of my problems try to help with them. I'm not really sure how well that would work, especially since I'm not even willing to admit that he is the main focus of my issues.

"Oh, that's okay; it's mostly just school stuff. I think I can handle it." Technically that was only a half lie, because Josh was my problem, and he went to school with me, and I was working on handling it.

"Oh well in that case I took a lot of the classes you are taking now last year, so maybe I could help you out if you needed it." He offered

My mind immediately flashed to mean girls when Kat pretends she is dumb so the hot guy would tutor her. Is that what I had come to? Honestly I was doing really well in all of my classes; I could have probably tutored Josh, if he wanted it.

"That's okay, I think I have it covered" I said, rejecting him one more time.

"Well maybe you would like paint sometime. I remember that used to calm you down in the past. It might still work." I suggested.

No, what used to calm me down was actually being with Josh. The painting was just another excuse to spend more time with him, and do something that he enjoyed.

"Uh, yeah maybe that would be fun," I said, accepting his offer.

"Ah, so I guess the third time is the charm." He said with a smile sweeping across his face.

_Third time is the charm?_

That is exactly what he said the day he called me three times in a row when we spent thanksgiving together on campus. The night before we had shared an extremely rough and awkward kiss which ended in my tears, and I had refused to answer the phone. He called me three times to ask if I wanted to play soccer with him, and I finally answered on the third try. That was the day we shared our first real kiss, which was perfect, and gentle, and amazingly sweet.

And then it hit me. We could not be friends, because I would always love him, and it was just not fair to him or to me to try to be friends. So I ran. I threw my tray down and bolted out of the Dining Room as fast as I could, trying to hold the tears back until I got back to my room in Billings.


	8. Painting

**Disclaimer: I do not write Private, Kate Brian does.**

Luckily finals had been canceled for the upperclassman after everything that happened with Sabine, so I did not have to leave my room at all during the day. Instead I just sat around and waited for Constance to bring me food when I missed the meals. Unfortunately there was no other way for me to avoid Josh and Ivy, so this depressing trend of staying locked in my room lasted for a couple of days, until I got a phone call.

"Hello" I answered; unsure of whom I was talking to.

"Hey Reed, its Dash," the guy on the other line said.

"Dash? Wow, it's been a long time. How are you?" I asked. Honestly I had no idea why he was calling. I had not seen or heard from him since our little sex scandal was posted for everyone to see.

"Oh, um I'm doing okay. How are you? I heard about everything that happened with Sabine, I wish I could have been there for you." He said.

"Let's just say I'm happy it is all over. So what are you calling for?"

"Well actually I was just calling to see how you were doing. I had not talked to you in awhile, and I missed your voice." He said very matter of factly.

"Um, Dash, you know things have not changed between us, right?" I asked. I knew I could just try to avoid this topic, but I though it would be best to just get it out in the open, so we each knew each other's opinions.

"And by nothing has changed do you mean that you still want to be friends even though I am in love with you?" He asked.

"Yes. I guess that is what I mean. Although, last time I checked you were dating Noelle, and were in love with her."

"That's just temporary. I stayed out of the way for awhile in case you wanted to patch things up with Josh, but now that he is definitely out of the picture I wanted to make sure you knew how I felt about you."

Ouch! That hurt. Was Josh really out of the picture? Did no one think that there was any hope for us?

"Well there is a little problem with that, because although I may be out of Josh's picture, he is definitely not out of mine." I told dash, rather harshly. "Is there anything else you need?"

"Well, I was going to extend an invitation to you, as a friend, to come with Noelle and me to St. Barts for winter break. I thought it might be nice for you to get out. I figured you would probably much rather hang out with Noelle than go back home."

"Well, do you think Noelle would be okay with that after everything that happened between us?"

"Of course, she loves you! Plus she thinks the only reason we hooked up at the Legacy was because we were drugged. Which I know is not true, by the way." He added.

"Dash, look, I really don't have any feelings for you besides friends, and if you are going to constantly be making comments about how you feel about me over winter break, then I will just go home. I can spend another time with Noelle."

"What if I promise to try not to make comments, and just be friends and you promise to think about coming on vacation with Noelle and me," he suggested.

"Okay," I agreed. "I will think about it. But right now I have to go. Dinner is about to start." I lied.

"Okay, bye Reed. I love you." He paused. "As a friend."

"Bye Dash." And I hung up.

So, dinner was about to start, but there was no way I was going to actually go. I had spent the last three days cooped up in my room, and I still was not ready to face my supposed "friends." But at the same time for the first time in the last three days I felt like I had to get out of my room, and the only thing I really felt like doing was painting.

I knew where Josh kept the spare key hidden for the Art Cemetery, so I decided I would just go in there and paint for a while. Since everyone was in the dining hall eating dinner I figured I would not really have to worry about running into anyone, and since Josh loves to eat, I knew he would not be in the Art Cemetery.

When I arrived at the art cemetery I was hit with a rush of emotions. The first time Josh showed me his secret hide out, the time when we painted each other in his room, the first time he said I love you. And then there was the time I saw him and Cheyenne together, and the time he slammed the door on my face. But I decided I was not here to think about the past, but to cleanse my mind of everything and everyone.

In the back corner of the room there were a bunch of empty canvases, paint brushes, and paints lying around on the floor. Since Josh had offered to let me paint with him I decided that it would be okay for me to just use some of his stuff, as long as I was careful. So, I put my headphones in and I began to paint. I let the music flow through my body and I was pretty much just throwing specs and sashes of paint all over the canvas with out thinking. It was not what I would really consider beautiful, or artistic, but it was definitely helping me to release some of my stress.

And that is when I heard a loud bang. The door of the Art Cemetery had been closed. But I was not sure if it was being closed because someone was just leaving, or because they were entering. I was standing in the far back corner, so if it was someone leaving there was a chance that they just came in quickly, and never saw me. But then wouldn't I have heard the door close when they came in the first time?

There were only two people that had keys to this room, and I was pretty sure only one of them would be visiting this late at night. I took a quick glance at my phone to check the time. It was only 7:15 which meant I had not been in there that long, and dinner was definitely still going on. Maybe it was not Josh after all.

I quickly decided to start packing things up so I could get out of there before anyone noticed me back there. However, when I turned to pick up one of the dirty paint brushes I ran right into Josh.

He was just standing there like a deer caught on the road, but this deer just happened to have his shirt off. I could see the much defined outline of his developed six pack abs, and his perfectly muscular baseball arms. He was like Michelangelo's David, just standing there perfectly still for me to examine with my pleading eyes.

"Oh, um, hey, I did not realize you were in here. Sorry," He finally said, interrupting the awkward silence.

"Yeah, well you said I could paint, and I remembered where the extra key was, so I thought I would take advantage of the opportunity."

"That makes sense. I'm sorry for interrupting; I will just go back to my dorm to paint." He said

"No, that's fine. I was actually about to leave to go study some." I lied

"No, no, I don't want to force you out. I mean it's not like I own the place. We can both paint." He suggested.

"Okay," I agreed. "But do you normally paint with your shirt off?"

"Actually I do. I know it sounds girly, but I don't many to mess up my clothes, so instead I take them off." He answered, and when I game him a questioning look he quickly rephrased what he said. "I mean I don't take _all _of them off, just my shirt."

"Oh, I see."

"So what are you doing for winter break? Anything special, or are you just going to spend time in Croton with your family?" Josh asked

"Um, I think I might be going to St. Barts with Noelle and Dash. I'm not really sure though. I told Dash I would think about it."

"Dash?" He practically yelled. "Do you really think that is the best idea?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I don't know, with everything that went on with you two, do you really think it is a good idea to spend a vacation together?" It almost sounded like he was jealous, but I realized that could definitely not be.

"I'm not spending my vacation with him. I'm spending it with Noelle, and Dash just happens to come with Noelle. And speaking of Noelle, she understands that the only thing between Dash and me was caused by drugs, and nothing else. Unfortunately not everyone seems to get that." I said very coldly.

"Whatever, I guess it is not really any of my business anyways."

_Yes! It could be your business if you wanted it to!_ I thought

"Yeah, it isn't." I snapped "So, what are you doing for break?" I said, changing the subject.

"I'm just going back home. My parents will be away, so I'm going to watch the house in New York for them. It will give me some time to think."

"What about Paris with Ivy?" I asked, hoping maybe he had just decided not to go because he did not want to be with her anymore.

"We decided to cancle after everything that happened with Sabine. I though it would be better better if Ivy just rested at home." Josh explained. Well, I guess that means he still cares. Too bad, I guess I can't get everything I ask for.

"Well haveing the house to yourself actually sounds great. I would love to have some time alone to think."

"Oh, yeah, you are aright. I completely forgot I interrupted you while you were painting. I'm sorry I will let you get back to your work."

"That's okay, I don't mind. It is actually kind of nice to talk to someone other that a Billings girl and Dash." When I said Dash's name an angry look crossed over his face, but he quickly covered it up with a smile.

"Actually, I have to go meet someone anyways, so I will let you finish up in here. Bye Reed." He said as he walked towards the door.

"Bye Josh" I whispered.

When he said he had to meet someone was he lying so be polite and let me finish painting, or did he actually have to go. And worse, if he was going to meet someone, was it Ivy that he was meeting? I would hate to think what they would be doing this late at night.

**So I am not totally in love with this chapter. I started off liking it, and then I kind of got stuck in the middle. Please review, and let me know what you think. **


	9. Unbelievable

**Disclaimer: I do not write ****Private****, Kate Brian does. **

When I got back to Billings all I could think about was Josh and Ivy, Josh and Ivy. It was like an ongoing movie in my head thinking about them together. I kept remembering those times I could here them talking or making out between the thin walls of my old dorm. It was torture!

Once I got to my room I walked right in and plopped on my bed hoping I would just be able to fall right asleep. I did not even bother to turn my light on.

"You've got to be kidding me" I heard a voice say from the other side of the room.

"Constance?" I asked, trying to determine who it was.

"WRONG! Guess again," the voice demanded.

"Noelle? Why are you in my room?"

"Well I brought you some food since you missed another meal, but when I got up here you were missing," she explained. "And here is a piece of pizza and a bag of chips, I ate your apple." She handed me what looked like a half eaten piece of Hawaiian pizza and a bag of Sun Chips.

"Okay, so I get why you were here initially, but what were you doing sitting in my room in the dark?"

"I wanted to talk to you," she announced with a stern look on her face. For a few seconds she started to look like my dad when he knew I had done something wrong.

"Is this about winter break, because if you don't want me to come with you and Dash I would completely understand."

"Are you kidding, I can't wait to spend break with you. We are going to have so much fun!" she exclaimed. "I have to talk to you about something else. It's about Josh."

"Josh? What does Josh have to do with any of this?"

Did she know that I still had feelings for Josh? I had avoided him pretty much all week so that no one would be able to see how much pain it caused me to be away from him. I thought I had been doing so well. I guess really nothing does get past Noelle.

"Yeah, well you know how Dash and him used to be best friends and everything before the whole Legacy incident? Well I was hoping maybe you would be able to help me patch things up between them. I mean I forgave Dash, so shouldn't Josh be able to forgive him too? Especially since we found out the whole thing was just caused be Sabine and her crazy drugs." Noelle clarified.

"Wait, I thought you hated Josh. I mean the whole time we were going out you would complain about him. You even tried to get him arrested for a murder you knew he did not commit." I was so confused, why would Noelle want to make them friends again if that meant she would have to hang out with them more?

"That is an extremely good point, but unfortunately I feel very guilty about everything I put Dash through after the little Legacy incident, and I want to make it up to him. I know how much he misses Hollis and I really thing this would clear my conscience." Noelle justified.

Of course, it was always about Noelle. She did not like feeling guilty, and the only way to get rid of that feeling was to talk to Josh. It was not like she had suddenly gained a soul and decided to be nice for a change.

"Wow, that's really nice of you," I lied. "But how am I going to help, I never see Dash, and I'm not really talking to Josh."

"Really? Because I could have sworn I saw you two in the Art Cemetery earlier. Are you guys back to normal? Has he forgiven you?" So she really did see and know everything. I would never doubt her again.

"That was nothing. I went in there to paint and he happened to show up. We were not talking about anything of consequences. Just each other's plans for Winter Break, which reminds me, I don't think he is really ready to "make up" with Dash."

"Why did he say something?"

"Not exactly, but when I told him I was going to spend winter break with Dash and you, he got really upset and defensive. I don't think he has really forgiven either of us for what happened at the Legacy, and I'm pretty sure he is not ready to move on with Dash either." I could feel the sadness of loosing Josh start to form tears in my eyes, but I vowed a long time ago that I would not shed another tear in front of someone else.

"Don't worry. I'm sure he will be able to get over it. I mean, look at me. I am probably one of the biggest grudge holders in history and I was able to forgive both of you for what happened. He should see that his life would be so much better if he could just forget about all of that."

"Like I said, I don't think he is ready, but if you want to give it a try feel free."

"Yeah, but Reed I can't do it without you." She mentioned.

"Why not?"

"Well, for one you are the main focus of my plan. I need Josh to see that there is obviously nothing going on between you and Dash. So I was going to have Dash come up here while I am gone for the weekend, and then the three of you can hang out. It will be just like old times."

Oh, sure that was a great idea. It would be so much easier to explain to Noelle as to why I could not help her if she knew how Dash really thought about me. Instead I was just going to have to go along, I could not really afford to loose Noelle's trust. Last time that happened I lost my room, and was almost shot.

"Maybe, let me think about it." I finally replied.

"Okay, but you don't really have time to think about it. Dash is coming up for the weekend tomorrow, and I'm leaving tonight."

"What, why so soon?" I cried

"I figured if I actually chance to think about it you would change your mind and not help me out." She smirked. "Well good night Reed and I hope you have a good weekend. I'm really counting on you to fix everything." And then she left.

Noelle was unbelievable! There was no way I was going to be able to make Josh and Dash friends again, especially not if Dash was going to be telling me how much he loved me the entire weekend. What was I going to do?

When I finally finished sorting through all of my negative thoughts about the weekend I finally decided that it would probably be a better idea for me to change into pajamas. I had paint all over my clothes, and once I thought about it I realized I did not want to get pain all over my bed too. When I finished getting ready for bed and I laid back down on my bed I suddenly felt lonely.

Constance had left earlier for winter break since we did not have any classes, and Whit had gotten her an excused absence, so I was the only one in the room. I missed how Constance would always wish me good night, and make sure everything was okay before we fell asleep. Then I realized that maybe having Dash around would not be that bad. I mean at least there would be someone for me to talk to who was not always extremely giddy, or asking me how I was feeling. I was tired of all of the pity, and I knew Dash would treat me like a really person, and not like a four year old.

Then a whole new emotion ran through me. Guilt. Was it wrong to be happy that Dash was coming? Did that make me a bad friend? Was I betraying Josh? Did it matter what Josh though? Yes, it did. More than anything, it mattered what Josh though, because even if everyone else thought we were over I was still able to hold on to a little strand of hope.

**Please Review! Or just write something, I love talking about the book ******


	10. Smile

**Disclaimer: I do not own Private. Kate Brian does.**

When I woke up the next morning I was startled by the bright stream of light coming in from the window. I groaned and rolled onto my other side in order to avoid the light from waking me up anymore. I had missed breakfast for the last three days, and I was not planning on going to day. As I started to roll to my other side I found myself hitting something hard.

"Hey!"

I screamed, and jumped off my bed. I quickly moved to the other side of the room and grabbed a shoe from the floor to use as a weapon.

"Woe, Reed, calm down. It's just me." The voice said, laughing.

When my eyes started to focus I saw Dash looking back at me. He was more perfect then I remembered him being, with his extremely tone body, and a smile that going make any girls knees weak.

"Oh my gosh, Dash you scared the crap out of me. What are you doing my bed?" I asked and sat down next to him on my bed trying to catch my breath.

"Well, I got here earlier this morning, and I did not want to wake you up, so I thought I would just wait and watch you sleep." he explained.

"Okay, that explains why you were in my room, but why were you in my bed? You could have waited for me in my chair, or even on Constance's bed."

"That is what I was doing at first, but then you started to talk in your sleep, and I could not hear you from so far away so I moved in to hear better." He was saying this like it was normal for him to just be relaxing on my bed while I was asleep.

"Really I was talking in my sleep? What did I say?" I blushed. Constance had never mentioned that I talked in my sleep, so I thought it was something I had gotten over. I guess I was wrong.

"Well you mostly just talked about spaghetti. It was actually pretty entertaining." His voice got a little bit quieter, and his eyes left mine. "You also talked about Josh a little bit, and some chick named Sabine. For a little bit I though I was going to have to wake you cause it looked like you were having a really bad dream. But then you went back to spaghetti, and everything seemed fine. Is everything fine?" he asked

"Yeah, I'm fine. I guess I am just not completely over everything that happened with Sabine. She is Ariana's sister. I'm sure Noelle told you about everything that happened last week."

"Yeah, I hear about that. Noelle just never told me the name of the girl. I don't think it is very easy for her to talk about Ariana. It reminds her too much of everything that happened last year."

"Well, that makes two of us. Let's talk about something a little bit happier. How is the crew team at Yale doing?"

"We are doing really well, thanks for remerging. How about I tell you all about it during breakfast?" he proposed.

Breakfast! Shoot! I had not shown up for a meal almost all week, what was everyone going to think if I suddenly showed up and was with my best friend's boyfriend who everyone though I had sex with during the fall? Unfortunately though, I was too proud to admit to Dash that I had been hiding out for the past couple of days so I agreed to go with him.

On the way to breakfast we talked all about Yale and his classes. Even though I'm only a Junior I started to get really excited for college. I mean he made it sound so fun and free from drama. Of course, I thought the same thing about going to Easton, and look how that turned out for me; a dead boyfriend, a dean president, and two crazy murderous friends. I had learned to not get my hopes up too much.

When we arrived at the doors to the Dinning Hall I took a deep breath and went in. I decided it was too late for me to turn back now, and I would just have to get it over with.

Dash put his arm around my shoulder for support, but I smoothly shrugged it off without making a scene of the fact that I was obviously not comfortable with him touching me.

The cafeteria was actually pretty empty. It reminded me of the last time I was at breakfast, and I thought since I had gotten there so earlier I would be able to avoid confronting Ivy or Josh. Last time I was wrong, and I could only hope that this time would go smoother.

The Billings table was empty and I was happy that all of the girls had either left for vacation already or were just sleeping in since it was the weekend. Dash and I sat down at our table and it was like last year all over again. The only difference was that Noelle and Josh were not here Oh, wait everything was different. Josh and I hap broken up, I had lost half my friends, two of which were murderers, oh and of course, Dash now loves me, or so he says.

"Hey, I'm going to get some food. What do you want?" Dash asked, always a gentleman.

"Um, how about a bowl of Trix, and a Poptart?" I had not eaten a real breakfast in so long that I actually missed the sugar rush I used to have in the mornings.

Right as Dash entered the line to get food Josh entered the dinning hall and sat at his regular Ketlar table. If had been a year ago he would have sat right next to me and we would have shared a kiss. He would have been the one getting my food, and everything would have been perfect.

However, everything was not perfect, and Josh was sitting what seemed like miles away from me. When he looked up he immediately made eye contact with me, and my heart started beating erratically. It was like I had been sleeping for the last few months and someone had hit me with an electric shock. Unfortunately though, there is always pain to follow the shock, and in my case that certain uncomforableness which I had hoped to avoid just happened to be walking right towards me.

My eyes went to Dash and Josh's followed. When he saw Dash walking towards the table he looked confused at first, and then when he made the connection that I was the only one at the table, and Dash was walking towards me he started to look a little hurt. The hurt look faded quickly though, and the only thing I could really see on his face was anger, lots and lots of anger.

Dash sat down and I noticed he had gotten about two of everything, and a little baggie was hanging of the side of the tray.

"He what's up with the doggie bag? Do you have a pet I don't know about?" I asked, trying to ignore the stares that were coming from people as they entered the room.

"Well, I thought maybe I could show you some of my favorite places at Easton today, but that requires a little bit of hiking. So I got this bag and some extra food so we would not go hungry."

"I see, I guess that makes sense. Only I'm not sure if it is a very good idea for us to just go wondering around campus. I mean that might be giving Josh the wrong idea, and since you are here to get back to being friends with him I'm not really sure if that will help your case." I explained. Honestly though, I did not really want to be alone with Dash. Last time that happened I had risked Noelle as my friend, and I did not want that to happen again.

"That is where you are mistaken. I am here to spend the weekend with you. Noelle's plan to prove to Josh that I don't have feelings for you is not really going to work since I do and I don't really care if Josh knows about it."

"I thought you promised that you were not going to talk about that anymore. Remember, you promised." I scolded him, and then got up to throw my tray away. I had eaten as fast as I could and was ready to go back to Billings.

"Hey, meet me back at Billings when you are done," I told Dash as I started to walk towards the door.

Within seconds he was right there opening the door for me. "I am finished, and yes, I would love to walk you back to Billings," he said smiling.

When we got through the doors I was hit with a huge gust of wind, and almost fell over. Luckily though Dash's arms were right there to catch me, and for the first time all day I was happy that he was there.

"Hey!" I heard someone call behind us.

But before I even had a chance to turn around I saw Josh's fist flying towards Dash's and suddenly Dash was on the ground, and Josh was walking towards the Art Cemetery in an angry fit.

"Well I guess we will not be friends again in the near future," dash said laughing as he rubbed his jaw.

"Dash, are you okay? And why are you laughing? Don't you care at all that you two aren't friends anymore?" I asked him.

"Yes, I do care. However, I care more about you, and if being his friend means that I can't have feelings for you then I am afraid that just isn't possible." Dash explained, still smiling.

"But I don't have feelings for you!" I exclaimed, and stormed off.

**Please Review :)**


	11. Slap

**Disclaimer: I do not own ****Private****, Kate Brian does.**

So I realize that Dash was just trying to be sweet by saying how much he cared about him. But honestly, it was starting to get annoying. All I wanted to do was focus on how I could get my life back in order, especially the Josh part of my life. Then Dash has to come along, and ruin everything. Couldn't he just be happy with Noelle, and forget about any feelings he might have for me. Why was it that the guy I was trying to get seemed to have no interest in me, but the guy who I most definitely could not have was making himself so available?

Ouch! I had ran right into a wall or something. It seems I had gone back to my pre-Easton days when I walked with my head down, and ran into things quite often. Normally it was not that bag of a deal, but of course with my luck I happened to have run right into the person I wanted to see least at that moment.

When I looked up Josh had his arms around me to prevent me from falling over, but all I could really think about was the fact that he was touching me with out pulling away. His eyes were green today and seemed to look more handsome then they ever had.

"Um, hey" I finally said, trying to break the silence.

"Hey" Josh repeated. He still had his arms wrapped around me and there were sparks being shot all through my body. My head was telling me that he should have probably let go by now, but my heat was holding on to every second that his hands remained on the small of my back.

"Where is Dash?" Josh asked, speaking up.

"I don't know, after that little incident between the tow of you we got in a small argument and I just walked away. Actually I walked right into you." I said smiling. Man, it felt good to smile.

Josh laughed in return. "Yeah I guess I was a little distracted, and I was not watching where I was going wither." He paused, and started to look around as if he was contemplating the next thing he was going to say. "So about earlier, I don't really know what came over me. I'm normally pretty peaceful, but when I saw you and Dash together something just snapped. I'm sorry if I scared you or messed up your weekend with him."

"Why?"

"Why, what?" Josh asked, he was obviously very confused.

"Why did you snap? I mean why does it matter if Dash and I are together. You made it very clear that there was no 'us' besides being friends, so it should not matter if I'm with Dash." Now Josh was starting to bother me. It was like everyone had decided they could be possessive of me with out actually committing to anything.

"Well first of all, as your _Friend _I was just trying to protect you. I know the way Dash looks at you, and it is not as a friend. I don't want Noelle getting hurt. And second of all, I have not forgiven Dash for what he did to me."

"What he did to you?" I yelled. "He had been drugged! I had been drugged! You said you understood that, but it really seems like you forgot what it means to understand something because if you had then you would be able to move on and you and Dash would be friends again, and you and I would be.." I had to stop myself, because I knew I was about to say something I would regret, and I was not sure if I was ready for Josh's rejection, again.

"You and I would be what?" he asked

"It does not matter, the point is that Dash came down here to work on your friendship, and all you could do was punch him. You are definitely not the Josh Hollis I used to know." I answered, avoiding the question.

"No, I'm not that Josh because that Josh had his heart ripped out and stomped on about twenty times. The other day you said I looked like I had been hit by a bus, and you were close enough. Every time I wake up it feels like I am being tortured over and over again. Do you know what it was like to feel like you had slept with my best friend? It was horrible. And now you have to bring him here and rub it in my face that he ruined my life, and I will probably be able to get back what I lost."

"Oh my goodness Josh! Don't even try to pretend I don't know what you are feeling. Remember earlier this year when Cheyenne was constantly flirting with you, and you continued to spend time with her, claiming that it was because you were seniors and did not have that much more time to spend together. Then, I found you two together in the art cemetery.

"Our Art Cemetery! Yeah, I know what it feels like to feel betrayed by the person you love and trust more than anything else in the world. But you know what Josh, I forgave you. You know what though, I never forgave Cheyenne. So, you think its so bad that I'm trying to get you and Dash to be friends again, but what if you never had the chance to forgive Dash. What if Dash just disappeared and you were still mad at him, because I know how that feels, and trust me. It is not pretty." It felt so good to get this all out. I had been holding everything in for so long, and I was relieved to have someone to talk to, even if I was yelling more than talking.

"Reed, I.." but before he could finish I cut him off.

"I'm not done. The night of the Legacy you asked how I could do that to you. You did not even bother asking me for my end of the story. You shut me out completely, and never gave me a chance to explain. But that I could understand. What I did not get though is how you could move on so quickly. The next day you were already with Ivy. You said you loved me, but some how you were suddenly available for another girl. That night in the fall when I finally said I loved you I meant it, but sometimes I'm not sure if you did."

And then I walked away. I turned my back on the best thing I had ever had in my life, and I was fully prepared to leave him standing there in shock. But then something caught my wrist.

Josh pulled me back into his arms and kissed me. The kiss was hard and rough, but extremely soft at the same time. It was filled with so much passion and understanding that I was starting to get light headed. It was like the world had stopped and there was just Josh and me. Every perfect moment between us over the past year flowed through my mind. This was the kind of kiss that you could feel all the way into your toes. It was like our lips fit together perfectly, and I wanted to stay in his arms more than anything.

But then I was reminded of all the pain and sorrow he had caused me and I realized I could not do this to myself again. I quickly pulled away and slapped him hard across the face. I turned to leave once again, but this time there was not a hand restricting my departure, because that hand was now rubbing its swollen cheek.

**Hey! So I could not put off the kiss any longer, it was killing me to postpone it this long. However, I also did not want to pretend that everything was peachy keen, so I mixed it up a little with the slap. I hope you liked it. Please review! **


	12. Mistake

_**Disclaimer: **_** I do not own ****Private, ****Kate Brian does.**

_Oh my gosh! _What had I just done? Josh had kissed me, and I slapped him! What was I thinking? I clearly had lost my mind because the sane thing to do would have been to kiss him back with just as much passion, and then pull him into the Art Cemetery or something. I on the other hand had slapped him. I must be going crazy.

It was just that during the kiss I was so overwhelmed by how perfect it was that when I came back into reality everything seemed so much worse. I was so mad at him for ruining my life. Sure it had been my fault for flirting with Dash, but how could Josh have just assumed I was the one to blame. He did not even let me explain. And how could he act like I had no clue as to how he was feeling? I knew what he was feeling times ten. I had experienced everything he had and more. However, unlike him I had not just moved on to someone new.

When I got back to Billings I was so filled with anger that I stormed right into my room and slammed the door shut without even looking where I was going. I threw myself on my bed and started to sob. These were not tears of sadness though, they were tears of anger. I was mad at Dash for ruining my chances with Josh, I was mad at Ivy for taking Josh away from me, I was mad at Sabine for trying to deserve every good part about my life, and I was mad at Josh for not giving me a chance to explain, most importantly though I was mad at myself for managing to mess up and lose everything that was good in my life. How was it that one person could go through so much tragedy and not just combust?

"Reed?" I heard a guy's voice ask.

Great now I was going to have to deal with Dash confessing his love for me, and tell me how everything would be okay if I just let him in. Too bad letting him is was really the last thing I wanted at that moment.

"Dash, go away. I'm really not in the mood to hear how much you love me, and how you can make this all better," I said into my pillow.

"Fine. Bye." And I started to hear footsteps walking towards the door.

Even better, now I had hurt his feelings too. I started to apologize but when I turned around it was not Dash who was looking back at me.

Josh's gorgeous green-blue eyes started into mine and they were filled with pain and confusion. _Great! _Not only had I slapped him, but I also just told him how his once best friend was in love with his once true love. I was really screwing things up, wasn't I?

"Um, Josh, I did not really mean what I said about Dash. I mean about him loving me. I was just over exaggerating," I tried to correct my mistake, but I could tell Josh was not buying it.

"Reed, I'm not that gullible. I have known that Dash has feelings for you for awhile. During the summer he sent me a really random text asking if we were still going out, and I have pretty much been suspicious since then." Josh explained.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Well, I figured since Dash had not actually done anything about his feelings for you it was not really a big deal. I guess I was just expecting you to be honest with me and say if something was going on, but I guess I was wrong about that too."

"Josh, the reason I did not say anything was because I thought it was all innocent. I definitely did not think it was something that was worth you loosing a friendship over, and I was not expecting it to get as out of hand as it did. I'm sorry"

"Yeah, well that's all in the past." He said, ending the conversation.

We sat for awhile not saying anything, but eventually I spoke up to end the silence, "So Josh, what are you doing here anyways?"

"Actually I came up here because I was mad at you. For a girl you can hit pretty hard," he said laughing and rubbing his cheek. But then his faced turned serious, and there was a hint of sadness in his eyes again, "then I realized that you were not to blame, and I probably should not have kissed you. It's just that you were so close and I…" But I cut him off before he could finish, I could not bear to hear him explain how the kiss was a mistake, so I had to end it quickly.

"Listen Josh, I understand, just forget about it. Like you said before, that is all in the past, so we can just move on."

He stepped back a little, and his eyes were filled with the same sadness and confusion that was there when I saw him the first time.

"Oh, yeah, okay. Just forget about it." He paused, "well I'm going to go then." He finally said, as he made his way out of my room, and probably out of my life when he realized what a mistake I had been.

"Bye." It seemed so pitiful at the time, but those were the only words I could get out of my mouth without breaking into tears all over again.

After Josh left, Dash appeared from behind the bathroom door. "So I guess Josh and I are not going to be friends again anytime soon." Dash said, and for the first time all day he actually started to look a little up set.

"Yeah, sorry about that, I really did think it was you. I did not mean to tell him that you thought you were in love with me. I'm sorry if I have up set you." I said trying to console him.

"So you are sorry you kissed him?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well you said you are sorry that you upset me, and the only thing I was hurt about was the fact that you kissed Josh. So are you sorry you kissed him?" He repeated.

"First of all, he kissed me. And second, the only thing I am sorry about is slapping him."

"What? You slapped him? Why?" The sadness had all faded and a huge smile was now playing across his face. It was great that my pain and misfortune could bring him so much happiness.

"Listen Dash, I really don't want to talk about it. I did not get that much sleep last night and I think I'm just going to take a little nap. Okay?"

"Yeah, that is fine. I wanted to go into town anyways, but I should be back by the time you wake up." He responded

"Oh good, that way I won't feel bad about being such a bad hostess by falling asleep in the middle of our time together."

"Well, sweet dreams, and I really do love you." Dash said, and left me in my room.

Once again I was alone. Only this time the solidarity actually seemed like a good thing. It was a chance for me to think about everything that had gone on that day, and how I might be able to fix some of it. For one thing I vowed that I would work to make Dash enjoy the rest of his weekend at Easton, because although I hated to admit it, he had not actually done anything wrong. Dash had been sweet, and a gentleman all weekend, while I had been a grump and extremely unwelcoming. Everything else I just decided to put on the back burner for awhile, after all Rome was not built in a day, so why should I be expected to fix all of my problems in an hour?

**Hey, please review. I'm not really sure how many more chapters I am going to write, but the reviews keep me going ******


	13. Guy Thing

**Disclaimer: I do not own ****Private, ****Kate Brian does.**

For the first time in over four months I had actually gotten what felt like a perfect sleep. My dreams had been completely free of anything relating to Sabine or Cheyenne and pretty much just consisted of the basic rainbows and clouds of an average meaningless dream. Also I had woken up on my own without the assistance from an alarm clock, or a noisy roommate, instead I had peacefully opened my eyes to an empty, dark room.

When I rolled on to my other side I noticed the time on my alarm clock was 7:23. I had spent most of the day sleeping and it felt amazing. For a couple seconds I considered just staying in bed and continuing to rest until the morning, but then I remembered Dash was still at Easton, and I had not really left things with him in the greatest condition before I fell asleep.

Before I fell asleep I promised to be a better friend for Dash, and I was going to do just that, especially since it was my fault he had lost one of my best friends. I made my way to the bathroom and started to reconsider all of the events of the day. For me brushing my teeth was a time to reflect on my life, and unfortunately there was a lot for me to think about, so I spent about forty minutes cleaning ever surface of my mouth while trying to cleanse my mind of all the negative thoughts.

My main focus was Josh of course. First, the fact that he had punched Dash kept lingering in my mind. I could not figure out if he had just hit Dash because of what happened at the Legacy, or if Josh was jealous that we were hanging out together. If Josh was jealous that we were hanging out then that must mean that he still had feelings for me, right? Then there was the kiss. When Josh had kissed me it felt like everything had gone back to the way it was before. I had tricked my self into thinking Josh still loved me during that kiss, and honestly I was petrified that I was going to let my imagination get control of my actions, again.

There was also the whole Dash situation to consider. I really did like having him as a friend. Dash had always been extremely understanding of everything that was going on in my life, and there was a time when he was the most supportive person in my life. I was not sure if I wanted to give that up. However, Dash was also dating my best friend, and it was not really right of me to keep spending time with him if he was going to be betraying Noelle when he was with me.

As a child I had always wished that by thinking everything through while brushing my teeth all of my problems would just be automatically solved. Unfortunately that idea never worked as a kid, and it was not working now either. Dash was still waiting for me somewhere, and I still had not decided what to do about him.

Once I finished brushing my teeth I threw on a pair of sweats and made my way down stairs. I was the only one still at Billings, and I was hoping I might be able to sneak some of the left over food from the refrigerator in the kitchen.

When I got to the bottom of the steps I was immediately drawn to the dining room. There was an unbelievable smell coming from the room. It was like Christmas dinner mixed with Easter mixed with Thanksgiving all in one meal. In other words it smelled perfect, and I felt like a dogs being drawn by my senses.

In the center of the dining room there was an elegantly decorated table with food covering every inch. There were also candles surrounding the entire room that set an extremely romantic tone, and would have been the perfect lay out for a Jane Austen novel. On my side of the table there was an extremely handsome man standing by my seat, waiting to pull it out for me to sit down.

"Good evening miss," The man announced. "Would you like to sit down?"

"Yes, thank you." I responded, and Dash pulled the chair out for me to sit. Like I said, he was always an excellent gentleman.

"What is this all for?" I asked. "We could have just gone to the Dining Hall."

"Well, I felt really bad for everything that happened earlier, so I though I would make it up to you by feeding you. I noticed that you had been sleeping all day and missed lunch, so I thought a large meal would be the perfect apology gift. That is why I had to go into town earlier today." Dash explained.

"Oh, I see. Thanks a lot Dash, but you really did not have to do any of this; I mean it was not like you caused all of the drama today. I should have known better than try to force Josh and you together. I should be the one making an apology dinner, not you."

"Then I guess it is a good thing that I did not make dinner. Everything you see in front of you was prepared by my exquisite chef. I'm not really much of a cook, but I think I should get some credit for have good enough taste to hire a good cook, right?"

"Are you kidding? The fact that you organized this whole thing earns you plenty of brownie points. This is probably one of the nicest things anyone has done for me," and I leaned forward to hug Dash.

Dash was about head taller than me, and was much more muscular, so hugging him was like hugging a life size teddy bear. It was so warm and comforting. I started to think about how if Josh and Noelle were not in the picture then Dash and I probably would have been a really great couple, too bad I was madly (and my madly I meant I was actually going insane) in love with someone else, who unfortunately did not love me back.

Dash started to pull away, and he looked into my eyes as he spoke, "you know Reed; I'm actually a little surprised that you are taking this all so well. I mean I though you were going to stay locked in your room and avoid me until I left. When I though about how you slapped Josh I was terrified to think about what you would do to me." He paused and a small grim swept across his face, "I guess you do like me more after all."

"Sorry, but that is where you are wrong Dash, because if you had kissed me I would have slapped you too, except I probably would not have regretted it like I regret slapping Josh." I grunted.

"Well, maybe we should just try it and see what happens. For all you know you could love kissing me."

"Dash, I'm not going to kiss you!" I shouted. I thought maybe if I said is loud enough he would understand that this was not just a game for me and I was seriously not interested in him like that.

"Okay, fine. I was just kidding anyways. Let's just forget about that part of our conversation and move on to something more interesting, like how delicious the food is." At that moment Dash passed the ham across the table to me and I began filling my plate with as much food as I could. I had not eaten a full meal in a couple of days and I did not really care how ridiculous it seemed for me to be eating like a football player.

For awhile we both sat there quietly focusing on what we were eating, and avoiding conversation, but after awhile Dash decided to break the silence. "So, Josh came by while you were sleeping."

"What?" Why had Josh come by? Had he actually taken what I said into consideration and he wanted to talk?

"He wanted to talk to me. Something about not wanting to wake up one day in fifty years and regret not forgiving me. He said he did not want me to disappear forever. Honestly he was talking so fast that I could not really understand what he was saying. But at least the intent was clear. He wanted to reconcile," Dash explained.

"Oh, that's great. I'm so happy that you guys are friends again. Noelle will be so proud of our accomplishments this weekend!"

"Woe there, Reed. I never said we were friends again." I must have looked extremely confused because he paused to look at me and then continued to explain. "You see, I wanted to make sure that it was clear to him how I felt about you, but when I told him we could only be friends if he accepted that I was in love with you I think he changed his mind.

"What do you mean you think he changed his mind? How do you know?" I asked

"Well, after I told him I loved you he punched me in the gut and walked away. It's weird, I don't think I have ever see Josh act violently towards someone else, but he has already punched me in one day. H must really love you."

I ignored Dash's last comment and focused on the issue at hand. "Dash, I'm so sorry this is all my fault. Hopefully he did not hurt you too badly."

"Don't worry about it; I just got a few bruises. I knew what I was fighting for was worth it," He said smiling.

"A few bruises? I thought Josh just walked away. Did he hit you more than twice?"

"Reed that was the second time he hit me today. I could not just let him get away with it. So, I caught up with him and hit him square in the face. We got in a little bit of a fight, and that's what caused the rest of the bruises."

Dash stood up to clear my plate and for the first time I realized that he was limping a little bit. I caught up with him in the kitchen to see what the problem was and when I pulled up his pant leg to find the injury I saw a giant bruise covering almost his entire calf.

"What happened," I asked as I let his pant leg down

"Don't worry about it. Like I said, everything was worth it. Plus you should see the other guy." Dash chuckled. "We are guys. It's what we do."

"Yeah, but Dash you or Josh could have gotten in trouble, and then Noelle would have found out. I don't think she would have been happy if she came home and found out her boyfriend was never allowed back at Easton. Or worse, if she found out why the two of you were fighting. I hope no one saw you."

"By no one do you mean no teachers, or do you mean no students? Because I'm pretty sure the entire school saw us fighting. I did not catch up to Josh until we were right outside of the dining room, and at that point everyone was on their way to lunch."

"Dash, you idiot!" I said hitting his head. "Why couldn't you just suck it up and rise above the situation. Now I'm going to have to walk around embarrassed for you because you obviously fail to see the significance of everything."

"Reed, like I said. It's what guys do. Josh is the one who is failing to see the significance of everything. He needs to realize that he gave you up, and not he has to suffer the consequences. It is not my fault he did not realize how awesome you are until it was too late. Reed," he said reaching out to hold my hands, "I'm in love with you, and I'm definitely not going to let Josh get in the way, no matter how hard I have to fight for you."

Dash was looking right into my eyes, and it felt so good to hear those words coming from someone besides my parents. The only problem was that I wanted to hear them come out of someone else's mouth, instead though I had managed to attract the totally unavailable boyfriend of my best friend.

"Dash, that is really really sweet, but like I said before, I don't have feelings for you, and even if I did that would not change anything because my best friend is in love with you, and I would never want to hurt her again." I dropped his hands and tousled his hair, trying to lighten the mood. "Now let's forget all this serious stuff and go get some ice cream. I hear the Dining Hall is open late, and somebody told me the vanilla ice cream is to die for."

At first Dash looked like he was about to break into a thousand tears, but then a smile spread across his face and he looked genuinely happy. "Sounds like a plan, but since I got dinner, you have to get ice cream."

And then we headed out the front door of Billings, and I felt surprisingly comfortable net to Dash. It was like we were true friends, and I was overwhelmed with the sense of security and loyalty.

**Hey, so I was going to make this into two chapters, but I could not find a good stopping point. Sorry it was so long. Let me know what you think! **


	14. Tackle

**Disclaimer: I do not own ****Private****, Kate Brian does.**

When we walked outside it had started to snow. Luckily I always kept a hat and gloves in my coat pocket, so I slipped them on to protect myself from the cold weather. Dash, on the other hand was not as prepared as I was and it was funny to watch his ears change to deeper shades of red. It was obvious that he was starting to get cold because about half way through the walk he picked up the pace and was practically running to the dinning hall.

It ended up taking us about half the time it normally did to get to the dinning hall, but the rush was definitely worth it because entering the dining hall felt like diving into a hot tub after playing in the snow. The room was so warm, and everything felt extremely cozy. There were Christmas decorations hanging up all over, and a fire burning in the fire place on the far wall. It reminded me of a ski lodge in one of those romantic movies you would watch on Lifetime.

Dash headed right over to the ice cream stand without even thinking twice about the fact that he wanted to eat cold ice cream in twenty degree whether. I decided to try something that would warm me up, so I picked up a mocha chip latte from the coffee stand. I guess there was one advantage to having Amberly at Easton, even if she was annoying.

When Dash and I sat down I noticed that Josh was sitting by himself at his table. It occurred to me that Ivy had probably already left for break, so he must have been there alone. I knew Astrid and Trey had left earlier to spend break together, so I started to wonder how long Josh had been alone, and why hadn't he just left earlier too?

"Hey, are you going to eat that?" Dash asked interrupting my train of thought. He was pointing to a ice cream cone which he had gotten for me even though I told him I was not really in the mood for anything cold after all of that snow.

"Uh, no you can have it. Enjoy! What is that, your third one?" I mocked.

"I'm a growing boy; I have to keep up my appetite, especially if I am going to have to keep fighting over you like I had to today."

"Well, maybe you should just realize that I am not worth fighting over because you don't really have a chance. Plus I prefer a guy who can defend my honor without throwing a punch."

"So are you saying you don't like Hollis?"

"NO!" I practically yelled.

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that you probably deserved the punch," I said smiling, and to my surprise Dash started to laugh. Maybe he was starting to get that there could not be anything more than friendship between us.

For the rest of the night we just sat at our table reminiscing on the previous year and all of the funny things that happened. We talked about how ridiculous it was for Dash and Gage to throw a party for Thomas after his death, and display giant pictures of him all around the room. Dash also told me stories about how Josh, Thomas, and he would spend all of there summers together hanging out on the beach and picking up girls. For the first time since Thomas' disappearance I really felt comfortable talking about him and did not feel the need to break into tears. It was nice to forget about all of the complications between Dash and me, and just relax together.

"Hey, I'm going to head back to the room. Unlike you, I woke up early this morning, and did not get a chance to take a nice long nap all day. Coming?" He said, gesturing towards the door.

"Nah, I think I am going to stick around and enjoy the fire. I'm not really ready for this day to end. Enjoy your sleep."

"Suit yourself, if need me I will be in Noelle's room." He paused "unless you want me in your room," he said and winked at me.

"Nope, I'm pretty sure I would rather you sleep in Noelle's room." When he looked like he was about to protest I quickly added, "Goodnight Dash," and waved goodbye.

"Night, sweet dreams" Dash replied, and exited the Dining Hall.

When Dash left it gave me a chance to further reflect on what seemed like one of the longest days of my life. It felt like everything I tried to do was turning into a disaster. The main point of this weekend was for Dash and Josh to become friends again, but I had just pushed them farther apart, while also pushing us farther apart.

I had lost Josh, even when he had made himself vulnerable I had pushed him away and closed up. I was just so afraid that I was going to lose him completely that I was not willing to commit to trying to regain what we used to have. I was reminded of Thomas and how I had lost him before I really had a chance to get to know him. I had thought I loved him, and yet I knew little about him. Thomas was taken away from me, and that was the last thing I wanted to happen to Josh.

In the last year I had made so many mistakes by pushing people away and for two of those people I would never be able to apologize. It felt as if the only people who I ever let in were the ones who betrayed me the most. Sabine and Ariana had both been my supposed friends, and yet they had also both tried to kill me. Noelle and Josh were my best friends, but they turned their back on me before giving me a chance to explain. Why was it that I could give Noelle a chance to be back in my life, but I couldn't give Josh one? Was it because I loved him too much, and was just too hurt when he betrayed me?

No

It was that I was a wimp, and loved him so much that I knew it would hurt ten times more if I failed to get him back. But love was worth fighting for, right? So even if I could not have him back as a boyfriend, maybe we could just be friends. At least then I would still be there for him if things with Ivy did not work out.

Before everything that happened with Sabine occurred I had made the most perfect gift for Josh as a means to show him how much I cared about him. He had obviously gotten the message, because if he hadn't I doubt he would have kissed me so passionately this morning. So now I was going to work just as hard at showing him I could be an honest and loyal friend if that is what he wanted.

There was a loud squeak of a chair moving across the hard wood floor, breaking me out of my day dream, and when I turned to see who it was I noticed Josh heading towards the door. His back was turned to me so I could not make out his expression, but from the way hit head was bent down and his body was arched forward; I had a pretty good idea that today was not his best day.

I decided my first step in proving I could be a friend would be to try and brighten his mood. I removed myself from my chair ad started to follow him out the door.

"Hey," I yelled when we got outside, but he did not turn around.

It was still snowing so I decided to try another means for getting his attention. I bent down and gathered a ball of snow together to form the perfect snowball. Then I hurled the ball across the quad with all of my strength. To my surprise I hit Josh right between his shoulder blades and it made a rewarding thump on his back.

When Josh turned to seen who had thrown the ball at him his eyes looked like they were full of anger, but when he made eye contact with me a smile started to play across his face. I took the smile as a welcoming gesture and started to walk towards him, he walked towards me in return, and we met in the center of the quad.

"So I hear you have been trying to win the biggest bully award, what's the deal? What happened to the calm and collected Josh?" I asked with sarcasm hinting in my voice.

He laughed a little, and replied, "Didn't you hear? Hitting someone is the latest form of a hug. It's what guys do."

"Funny that is exactly what the other guy said."

"So, speaking of hitting, what is the deal with the snowball? Are you trying to give my pneumonia?" Josh asked.

"I tried calling you, but you did not respond, so I tried a different method."

"Oh, sorry I did not hear anyone say my name, I would have turned if I knew it was you," He said, moving closer to me. When Josh moved in to me I could see his face more clearly, and noticed a small bruise beneath his left eye. I was a little proud that Dash had only managed to get one hit in, and nothing else seemed to be damaged.

"You did not hear me yell 'hey'? Who did you think I was talking to? There is no one else out hear. This place is deserted."

"I guess I was just focused on something else. I was in my own little world if you know what I mean."

"Oh trust me I completely understand what it is like to be lost in thought."

It was the perfect moment. We both understood what the other was thinking, and going threw, but we also both knew that neither of us wanted to talk about it. Josh just started into my face with eyes full of understanding any empathy. All I wanted to do was close the distance between us and kiss him like he had kissed me that morning.

My fantasy was quickly cut off though when I started to feel clod water flowing down my neck to my lower back. Josh had smashed a snow ball on top of my head, and as it melted my hair was getting wetter and wetter.

"Pay back sucks, doesn't hit?" Josh said laughing as he watched my expression while I evaluated the snow on my head.

"I don't know, you tell me," and I threw another snow ball back at him. This time I did not wait for his retaliation. I ran in the opposite direction from him hoping to move far enough away that I was out of range.

Unfortunately Josh's baseball legs were much faster than my soccer legs, and he was able to catch up to me pretty quickly.

Instead of throwing another snowball at me, he just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me down to the ground like a football tackle. With that one little touch a jolt of electricity was sent through my body and I wanted him more now that I ever had before.

We both laid there in the snow looking into each other's eyes. His arms were still around me, and the pang of the memory of our first kiss hit me so hard that let out a small gasp.

"What's wrong," he asked?

"Nothing, I was just thinking about the first time you tackled me down to the ground," I blushed a little, but continued to speak, "you probably don't even remember."

"Of course I remember, that was our first kiss. Well, it was our first _real _kiss;" he said emphasizing the word 'real.' "I don't like to think about the night before that day when I went momentarily insane."

"Is this what you do to all the girls? Trap them in compromising conditions, and then win them over with your charm?"

"No, not all the girls. Just you. So do I charm you?" As he spoke he leaned closer and closer to me. Our lips were less than an inch apart, and I could feel my whole body going weak under his touch.

My heart was yelling _Kiss me, please kiss me,_ but my brain just kept screaming _Ivy, Ivy!_ More than anything I wanted to listen to my heart, but my conscience got the best of me.

"Ivy," I let out in a slow whisper.

Josh did not move. He just looked at me with confused and hurt eyes. He looked like a baby who had just had their favorite blanket taken away from them. "What about Ivy?" he asked.

"Oh, well I was just wondering where she is. I mean, why aren't you two together?"

"She already left for break. I decided to stay around a little while. There were some things I wanted to work out before I left. People I needed to talk to. Plus, we are not spending break together, so it did not really matter that she left earlier." His eyes met mine for the first time after he started talking. "Why are you bringing her up now?"

"I don't know, I was just thinking about her, and how happy she would be if she knew we were _friends _again." Even though it hurt coming out I tried to emphasize the word 'friends.'

"Is that what we are? I know I told you I could only be friends with you, but I thought you understood that things had changed."

"Josh, if you are with Ivy nothing has changed. It is not fair to Ivy or me for anything more that friendship to occur. I'm sorry, but that is just the way the world turns."

"Are you saying I should break up with Ivy?"

_YES!!_

"No, I'm just saying that for now we can't be anymore than friends." And on that note I started to remove myself from his tight grasp and head back to Billings.

"Where are you going?" Josh asked.

"Back, to Billings, I have a phone call to make." I replied.

"Will I see you later?"

"I have to eat don't I? Come sit with Dash and me tomorrow, maybe you could give him another chance." I said.

"Reed, I can't be his friend knowing that he has feelings for you, and also knowing that he can be with you and I can't. Why don't you understand that?"

"I don't understand that because he can't be with me. I don't have the same feelings for him as he does for me, so there is nothing for you do be upset about. Why can't you see that? All I'm asking is that you think about it."

"Okay, I will think about it, for you, not for Dash. Good night. Don't let the bed bugs bite." He said smiling.

"Night," I responded, and headed back to my dorm.

**Hey, so this one is pretty long too. I just get started and keep going. Let me know what you think, and if you prefer to read the shorter chapters, or the longer ones. I love getting reviews, even if they are bad. I want to improve my writing, so please let me know what you are feeling. Thanks!**


	15. McDreamy and Steamy

**Disclaimer: I don't write ****Private****, Kate Brian does. **

**Hey, so multiple people have mentioned that I have a tendency to avoid contractions, and write things like 'do not' instead of 'don't', which does not seem very natural. So I tried to avoid all "non-contraction," if I missed one please let me know. Thanks. I hope you enjoy the chapter. **

I finally understood why my Dad had gotten so mad at me whenever I could not make up my mind about something. It seemed as if I had become the most indecisive person in the world. Why couldn't I just tell Josh how I felt about him, let him break up with Ivy, and then we could live happily ever after. Josh was so perfect, and yet I kept spreading the gap between us.

More than anything I wanted to be able to talk this out with someone, but the one person who I had always been the most comfortable talking to was the person I needed to talk about. Instead I had to resort to other forms of distractions, which included Noelle.

I picked up my iphone and dialed her number. After three rings she finally picked up.

"Hello" I heard her say into the receiver.

"Hey, it's Reed, I was just calling to give you an update."

"Oh yeah, how is our little plan going, are Dash and Hollis back together yet?"

"Well, kinda," I lied. Technically it was just bending the truth since Josh had said he would think about working things out with Dash.

"Well are you and Hollis back together?" She prompted.

"What?" how did she know about Josh, and me. Did she have spies or something watching us?

"Oh, well I just thought maybe since you were spending more time with each other you would both realize that you need one another." Noelle explained.

"I don't need him," I snapped. Who was she to say that I needed a guy, she had been with the same guy since 8th grade, even after he cheated on her.

"Reed, you may think that you are fooling everyone, but be all know that you are secretly dying inside. I can hear you screaming at night, and watch you wrap your arms around your body so you don't feel alone. You need Josh because you love him, and he loves you. What is wrong with that?" Noelle asked.

"Nothing, I guess, but Josh does not love me, he is with Ivy." I said trying to convince her.

"What does that have to do with anything? Hollis is the 'good guy' even though he does not want to be, he is going to stay with Ivy until she says other wise. That is unless you do something about it." I could practically here the plan slipping into her mind. Noelle was always in the mood to change a life, and I was sure she had just come up with an idea to get Josh and me back together.

"Why don't I just wait a little and see what happens. When I saw Ivy she said she wanted to be friends, and I really don't want to do anything that would change that." Not that I hadn't already done things that would compromise our friendship, but no one had to know about that.

"Fine, I won't do anything, not yet at least." Noelle promised.

"Thank you. So, speaking of Ivy, she was actually the reason I was calling you tonight,"

"Oh really? This should be interesting."

"Yeah, well I was wondering, what did you tell her that day at the hospital when she kicked you out?"

"Why do you ask?"

Great, a question for a question, which normally meant Noelle, was up to something. "Well Ivy told me to pass a message on to you, and it sounded kinda odd so I became curious." I explained.

"Maybe if you tell me the message I will tell you what I said that got her so upset."

"Fine, she said to tell you that you were right, but that it did not change anything, and she would never stop trying."

"Really, that's what she said?" she clarified.

"Yeah, why do you sound so surprised?"

"I'm just surprised she agreed with me, if she truly does then that just means she is even more pitiful than I thought she was. It almost makes me feel bad for her." From the disgust I could hear in Noelle's tone it was obvious that she did not really feel bad.

"So, what did you tell her?"

"Oh, it was nothing important; you would not want to know anyways."

"That's where you are wrong, remember I told you I was curious, and you said you would tell me."

"I said I might tell you. There is a difference, and the difference is that I'm not going to tell you. At least, not yet, maybe when I think the time is right then I will decide to clue you in." Noelle teased.

"Ugh, fine, I guess I can wait. Is there anything that I can do that might convince you to tell me sooner?"

"Well, you could tell me the truth about what is going on with you and Hollis."

"Noelle, there is nothing going on between us. We are just friends. I told you that."

"Well then why did you go A-wall last week and refuse to go to any of the meals. And don't tell me it was because you weren't hungry, because I saw Constance sneaking you the food. Plus I saw you sneaking out of the Art Cemetery after dinner one night. What was up with that?"

Okay, so Noelle was more observant than I thought she was. For some reason I always seemed to forget that Noelle knows almost everything and what she doesn't know she has a way of finding out. How could I possibly think I had escaped her watchful eye? Luckily there was a simple explanation for all of her accusations.

"Well first of all, I had skipped those meals because Ivy had told me that she wanted to be friends, but I had not made a decision yet, so I was avoiding her. And for your second accusation, I…" But Noelle cut me off before I finished explaining.

"So, why weren't you sure if you wanted to be friends with Ivy? Was it because you were still in love with Josh, and you knew he was still in love with you?"

_Yes!_

"No," I lied. "I just was not sure if we could be friends after everything that happened between us. After all, she did try to ruin my life, and I did accuse her of murder, I was not sure if we would really be able to get past that."

"Oh come on Reed, don't be so naive. The only reason Ivy asked to be friends with you was so she could make sure you would not go after Josh."

"That's ridiculous; Ivy is not threatened by me. She has nothing to be afraid of. Josh is still with her isn't he?"

"Being with someone out of obligation is very different from being with someone because you love them. And honey, Ivy and Josh are all obligations, and no love, at least not on Josh's side. Who knows if the bitch Ivy even has feelings." Noelle said cruelly.

"Hey, that's my maybe friend you are talking about," I scolded sarcastically.

"Oh, I'm sorry, so you can steal her boyfriend, but I can't call her a bitch. So not fair," Noelle reflected my sarcasm, and we both shared a quiet laugh.

At this point I decided to not even try arguing with Noelle. If she had it in her mind that Josh loved me, than there was no convincing her otherwise, especially not if she was right.

"I miss you around here Noelle, it is so quiet. When are you coming back?" I said, changing the subject.

"Didn't Dash tell you? I decided not to come back. You guys are just going to meet me in St. Barts. That way I can have some time to spend with my family before vacation, and my parents won't bother us while we are away."

"I guess it just slipped Dash's mind," or he didn't tell me because he knew I would object to him spending more time here since things with him and Josh were obviously not working out. "So when are we meeting," I asked.

"I'm not sure. I told Dash to call me when everything was fixed with Hollis, and then we could meet. So basically, no friendship means no St. Barts, which means you are stuck with Dash, and I'm stuck with my family, which does not sound very appealing."

It was odd how nonchalantly she could talk about Dash and me spending time together. If I was her I would keep Dash at arms length, and definitely far from me. Although Noelle seemed to know everything, she was definitely missing one major piece of information, which was right below her nose. Dash loves me, or so he says.

"Then I guess I better get to work, shouldn't I?"

"I thought things were going well, there shouldn't be that much work left."

"Yeah, but you know guys; they can change their minds at any moment. For all I know they could wake up tomorrow morning hitting each other again."

"What do you mean again? Did Josh and Dash get in a fight or something?"

_Shit! _I had slipped, I'm pretty sure Noelle was not supposed to know about them fighting over me.

"I wouldn't really call it a fight. Josh just hit Dash in the face and then walked away. It was kinda like Grey's Anatomy when Derrick punched Sloan after seeing him for the first time."

"I knew it!" Noelle exclaimed. "Hollis does love you. I was hoping this would happen."

"What does Josh punching Dash have to do with Josh loving me?"

"Oh, come on, you are kidding, right? The only reason Derrick punched Sloan was because he was talking to Meredith, and we all know Derrick is in love with Meredith, it's the same thing, meaning Hollis is in love with you."

"The reason Derrick punched Sloan was because he slept with his wife and it was payback. Josh just punched Dash because of the Legacy, that's it, nothing more. You really need to stop reading too far into everything."

The last thing I wanted was for Noelle to know how Josh really felt about me. If she knew then there would be no way I could continue to deny it to myself and let us just be friends.

"Fine, let's just agree to disagree, but the last time I checked, Meredith and Derrick ended up together." Noelle reminded me.

"Well, last time I checked that was just a television show, and this is real life, so it's different. If T.V shows were real then there would be baby geniuses, and wizards." I countered.

"Whatever, I'm not going to have this fight with you, when I'm obviously right and you are too stubborn to admit it. It's getting late, and I'm tried. So good night Reed, and I hope you can get those guys back to normal, or else you are going to waste your whole break away in Billings." Noelle threatened, and hung up.

"Night," I whispered to myself since Noelle had ended the call before I had a chance to respond.

So no St. Barts unless I magically made the guys friends again. There were definitely two sides at looking at that. Staying at Easton meant more time to spend with Josh, but it also meant more time to spend with Dash, which was not necessarily a good thing.

Unfortunately though, Josh would eventually leave and I would be stuck spending my whole break with Dash, which would not have been a problem if he did not insist on constantly telling me he loved me. I realized the only way for me to enjoy my break would be to mold some sort of friendship between Dash and Josh, even if it was a friendship built on jealousy and hate.

I laid down on my bed and started to concoct plans to develop their friendship. There had to be something that they still had in common, something that even they could not resist. And with that thought I got the perfect idea, I knew exactly how they could be friends again, after all, nothing joins two people like a common enemy.

**Hey guys! Please review and let me know what you think, all comments (bad or good) are appreciated. Thanks for reading! **


	16. Desires

**Disclaimer: I do not own ****Private****, Kate Brian does.**

In order for my plan to work I had to wake up at an ungodly hour. It was extremely important that I snuck in ant out of Ketlar before Josh woke up, and even more importantly I had to make sure he did not see me.

The night before I had found all of the research I needed to get Dash and Josh back together. Unfortunately I had to go digging in places where I had hoped to avoid for the rest of my life, but I had also decided that it was wroth it. Instead of reflecting on the past I forced myself to think about the future, and how great it would be if Josh and Dash were friends again, how great it would be to spend my vacation on the beach.

I tucked my packet of information away into my small backpack and started to head down the hall. I was extremely cautious when I passed over the room Dash was staying in. Noelle had told me about his early morning runs, and I could only hope that by early Noelle meant six o'clock, and not four in the morning.

Luckily when I passed his room the lights were still out. For a moment I considered putting my ear up to his door and seeing what he sounded like when he slept. It seemed unfair to me that he had heard my hidden dreams when he listened to my sleep talking, and only seemed right that I could hear his. My fear of drawling more attention to myself got the best of me though, and I quickly sauntered off towards the door.

When I got to the exit I was reminded of the new safety precautions the "chrome" had put on all of the dorms. I would be able to get out of Billings, but with out a special key I would not be allowed back in until seven without an alarm going off letting everyone know I was trying to sneak in. I pulled a roll of duct tape out of my coat pocket and cut off a piece. I carefully slid the tape across the lock, preventing the metal bar from sliding into the hole and keeping me out. I had seen this done in movies and on T.V all the time and I could only hope that it would work for me as well.

It seemed as if the main component of my plan was hope. I did not understand how Noelle managed to follow through with her elaborate plans without doubting a single moment. I on the other hand was full of worry, every time I moved across a tree or into a more open area I sprinted as if my life depended on it. Any time I heard a noise- like the rustling of leaves or a small animal running past me- I had to use all of my power to not scream out and ruin my cover.

When I finally arrived at Ketlar a surge of fear washed over me. Not only was I breaking the curfew rules, but if I was caught in Ketlar I would have also been breaking the basic rules of no girls in the dorms. I made my way around to the back of the building where the basement window remained unlatched.

As I looked down at the small and dirty window I was hit with an overpowering wave of memories. Thomas had first shown me this window when he tried to sneak me into his room during my first year at Billings. At the time I had been won over by his wonderful charm and gentle qualities, however I had also refused his request to join him in his room. Instead I suggested that we take a walk in the woods, but promised that soon I would accept his offer.

Soon never came though, and the next time I was presented to the window was with Josh. When Josh introduced me to the dangerous and enticing hole in the wall I pretended as if I had never seen it before, not wanting Thomas' memory to ruin the moment. This time I was not so quick to refuse though, and I accepted Josh's invitation. I felt more comfortable with Josh, and everything we had done together had been pure and perfect, which I was sure would not have been the case if I had been with Thomas.

That night I had forgot about all of my fears and previous apprehensions. I had let my longing to be in Josh's arms take over my actions, and I had not regretted any of it. Why was it that now, when I wanted and need Josh I could not just let myself accept my desires? Why did I keep turning him down?

The sound of a rabbit hopping out of the bushes brought me back into reality, and I quickly remembered the task at hand. Maybe if I could help Josh and Dash be friends again, then Josh and I would be able to be friends too, and then we could just see what happened after that.

I quietly lifted the window pane and proceeded to slide my body down into the empty and dusty basement. I pulled out the small flashlight I had hidden in my jacket, and followed the light's path up the stairs. With each creak I was reminded of everything I was risking to mend what had been lost. More than anything I was grateful that almost everyone had left for vacation and the only people besides Josh still at Ketlar were the international students.

When I got to the top of the steps I made my way around the corner to the elevator. I considered taking the steps, but realized that would be impossible since I did not have a key to access the stairwell door. It never made sense to me why they would install such high security on the stairs, but not on the elevator. The ding of the elevator made me jump, but luckily I had managed to keep my yelp muffled in my jacket.

Once I got to Josh's floor it was almost impossible not to relish in both the good and bad memories of the past, but I forced myself to focus. I quietly walked down the hall and when I got to Josh's room I slipped the packet of information under his door. More than anything I just wanted to open his door and slip into his comforting arms like I had done so many times the year before, but I knew I had to be patient. I turned away from his door and made my way back to Billings.

The returning trip seemed to go much smoother and faster than the way there. When I got to my room I quickly jumped into my bed and snuggled into the covers like it was the safest place in the world, and slowly drifted of to sleep.

­

When I awoke three hours later it was to Dash's fingers slowly brushing my face.

"Reed, Reed, it's time to go to breakfast," I heard him whispering in my year.

My normal response would have been to hit him with a pillow and tell him to go to breakfast without him, but today I was actually excited for a meal.

"Okay, let's go" I jumped out of bed with a huge smile on my face, and started to head towards the door.

"Um, Reed, don't you want to change first?" Dash asked.

When I looked down I noticed that I was still wearing the pajamas I had changed into the night before. Breakfast would have to wait a couple more minutes for me to change.

It was hard to resist the urge to spend the entire day in my bathroom brushing my teeth. There was so much to think about and so many decisions to make. The night before I had discovered some pretty unnerving information, and although I had tried not to let it affect me there was still some underlying fear that resided in my thoughts. Brushing my teeth was safe, and although going to breakfast had the potential to make my life a lot better, there was also the chance my plan would fail and all of my uneasiness would be a waist.

"Reed, are you okay?" Dash called from outside the bathroom.

"Yeah I'm fine," I reassured him as I walked out of the bathroom, "Let's go to breakfast, I'm starving."

Dash held the door opened for me like usual, and we headed towards the front doors of Billings. When we got there I saw Dash looking curiously at the door.

_Shoot! I had forgotten to take the tape off of the lock, and now Dash would know I was out this morning._

"What are you looking at," I finally said, trying to seem as relaxed and innocent as possible.

"It looks like somebody tried to sneak out last night. I guess not even Ms. Naylor has to get out sometimes. I wonder who she was going to see." Dash said smiling. Surprisingly he had not suspected me of sneaking out, or at least he had not implied any suspicions.

"OR maybe someone was trying to sneak in" I laughed, but when the words left my mouth I realized the possibilities. I had left the door unlocked for someone to sneak in. Anyone could have come in and stolen the girl's things, vandalized the place, or worse, there were so many worse things they could have done that I did not even want to think about.

"Well I did not have any visitors last night, did you" Dash said eyeing me up and down, and I took comfort in the fact that no, I had not let anyone in.

"Nope, no visitors, at least I did not notice anyone." Then changing the subject I added, "So what do you think they are offering for breakfast? I heard the less people staying on campus, the better the food."

Dash noticed my discomfort talking about the previous topic, and he easily flowed into my chosen choice of conversation. "Personally, I'm hoping for some Belgium waffles, and maybe some bacon. What about you Brennan? What is your favorite breakfast food?"

"Today, I will just be happy if I manage to make it through breakfast. My last couple meals here have not really been the best." Today though, everything was supposed to change, and hopefully there would not be another sour meal.

Dash laughed, and added, "Well is there any way I can help with your breakfast dilemma?"

"You can just promise me that no matter what happens you will behave. Can you do that?"

"When have I not behaved? You are making it sound like I am a little boy or something."

"Sorry, I'm just nervous." I explained as I lead us into the dining room.

When I looked around Josh had not gotten there yet, which was perfect. It would be easier for him to make the move than for me to have to bring the two of them together.

Dash and I set our stuff down at the Billings table, and while I watched the door for Josh's entrance Dash offered to get my food. Of course Dash did not know why I seemed so hesitant to leave the table, and why my eyes did not leave the door for more than two seconds.

Dash's laughter faltered my concentration as he walked out of the assembly line with a try spilling over with food. It was like he had just gone to a Denny's and ordered everything off of the menu. The best part though, was that most likely he was going to eat all of it except for the pop tarts in his left hand, which I would claim.

"So, what's up? Why are you watching the door so intently?" Dash asked.

_Crap!_ I guess I had made it a little too obvious that I was watching the door.

"I was just trying to see if it was snowing," I quickly lied. I also decided that I could not watch the door anymore. The plan had been set in motion, and I would just have to wait to see how it played out. Worrying would not get me anywhere.

"Oh I see. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but according to the weather channel it is not going to snow until next week, and by that time we will be on the beach." Dash explained.

"Hopefully we will be on the beach. Didn't Noelle tell you? Unless you and Josh make-up there will not be a vacation to go on, we are stuck here until you guys become friends again."

"I get it, that's why you told me to behave, but I don't see what is so wrong with us being here alone together, do you?"

"Um, I see plenty wrong with that. We are just friends," I reminded him, and the more time we spent together the more it seemed like we could actually be friends.

"Whatever you say," Dash said with a huge smile sweeping across his face.

There was no response to that, I just hit Dash's arm and continued to eat my pop tart.

"Oh, don't be sour Reed, I was only kidding. I promised I would try to treat our friendship as purely plutonic, and that is what I'm going to do." Dash said.

Then at that moment there was a loud smack on the table as Josh threw down the article which I had slipped under his door earlier that morning.

"Did you read this?" Josh practically yelled at Dash and me. Luckily I know that he was not yelling because he was angry at someone else, not us. No matter how violent Josh might have seemed before when he hit Dash, I still knew that he was the calmest and most caring guy I had ever met.

"Read what?" Dash asked confused

"This," Josh said pushing the papers into Dash's face, and suddenly Dash's face when pale and his eyes winded to twice their normal size.

**Please review, and let me know what you think. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to make them. Thanks for reading, and good luck to anyone who has exams this week!**


	17. Memories

**Disclaimer: **_**I do not write **__**Private**__**, Kate Brian does.**_

Dash slowly read the headline out loud letting every word seep into reality, "OSGOOD SISTERS RELEASED ON BAIL"

After reading the title Dash became silent and all I could do was watch his eyes move quickly back and forth across the page as he read the bone shivering news Josh had just presented him.

When he finished reading he passed the article to me so I could read it, but I just sat the paper back down on the table. Last night when I uncovered this information it was almost impossible for me to read it without breaking down, and I was sure it would not have been any different now.

Finally Dash escaped from his silence after finishing the article, "Where did you get this?" Dash asked Josh.

"I found it under my door this morning; I just assumed everyone had gotten one."

"That's weird, maybe we just did not get one since Reed and Noelle were so connected to the case." Dash tried to justify.

I could see the anger seeping into Dash's eyes as he spoke, and more than anything I wanted to explain that I had been the one to give Josh the information, but I knew that at that point the 'who' was not important. Josh and Dash were only focused on the possible releasing of their best friend's murderer.

Ariana had ruined the lives of all of us. For them she had taken away a true friend, someone who they always looked to for a good time, and no matter how poorly he acted Dash and Josh had always been there for Thomas. For me Ariana had taken away a potential love. I knew now what it really felt like to love someone, but at the time I had really thought that I could make a change in Thomas' life for the better.

"How could this happen though? I though Ariana was locked up for good. Don't they realize that she is crazy? I mean she killed Thomas, and she tried to kill Reed."

A wave of shivers was sent through my body, and I suddenly realized the complete stupidity in what I had done. Sure this had brought Josh and Dash back together, but it had also brought back all of my fears. The fears which I had been oppressing for the last year, fears that I could not discuss with anyone because that would make them true, the fears that kept me up at night, and haunted me throughout the day were back.

"Well, since Sabine was also convicted of murder and their mom tried to commit suicide they are trying to say that it was just a mental lapse of judgment, and it runs in the family or something. The lawyers are arguing that the girls can not be held accountable for their mental disease, and do not deserve to be in jail. So both sisters are being released on bail until the next hearing." Josh explained to Dash.

I tried to block out what he was saying, pretend that it was all just a fabrication of the truth, but I knew everything he said was fact. The Osgoods would be allowed back into the real world. They would be able to roam freely and access anyone they wanted, and take revenge on whoever they despised.

"This is ridiculous, isn't there anything we can do? It's not safe for them to be out. Don't they realize that those girls are crazy, and would not stop at anything to get what they want?"

"There is nothing, I've been researching it all morning. The only thing we can do it wait it out until their next trial and then see what happens." Josh said

"Well, we can go to the trial right? We can tell them about everything they have done, and why they deserve to rot on prison. I'm sure if enough of us go they would listen."

More than anything I wanted to believe that Dash was right, that his plan could work and everything would be fine, but in the last two years I had come to see how the system worked. The Osgoods had money, and with money came manipulation and amazing lawyers. If they could get a bail out of the Judge, then I was almost sure they would find a way to stay out of jail.

Josh, being the realist that he was assessed Dash's idea, "I'm not sure how well that would work. I mean Ariana is a pretty convincing girl, none of us even realized she was crazy until that night when she had Reed up on the roof."

Josh's words felt like I was being stabbed in the gut over and over again with a sharp sword. The memory of the night on the roof with Ariana flushed through me and it was too much to handle. I could see the hate and anger in her eyes, could feel the jealousy as she discussed her relationship with Thomas and how I had ruined everything. Tears started to stream down my face, just like they had that night, and I was overwhelmed with fear. Fear for myself, and my friends, but more importantly, fear for their next victim.

Dash and Josh both looked in my direction at the same time and realized that I had been crying. They had both been so focused on finding revenge that they had forgotten my presence, and let down the barriers which they had always used for my protection. Before, this information had been uncovered; everyone had always avoided the Ariana and Sabine subject around me. They knew how those memories had haunted my dreams, and were always cautious.

I should have been rejoicing in the fact that the two of them were friends again, the fact that I would be able to enjoy me vacation on the beach, but instead I felt like I was being suffocated by my fear. All of the emotions which I had held inside me for the last year were now pouring out, I felt like I had lost all control of my thoughts and actions.

"Reed, are you okay?" Josh asked. It was reassuring to know that after all this time, after all the pain I had caused him he was still there to comfort me.

"Um, yeah, I'm fine. I just need some air." I lied, and then left the room, and my friends behind me.

As I left I could hear Dash start to get up and follow me out, but he stopped at the sound of Josh's restraining words.

"Just give her some time; she needs to think this through." I heard Josh say.

And Josh was right. I did not want to have to talk about my problems with Dash or anyone else; I wanted time to myself more than anything. It was like Josh had picked the thoughts out of my mind and laid them out for Dash to understand. I needed to be alone.

Josh knew that eventually I would want to talk about it, and although I hated to admit it I knew that he would be the first person I would go to. Josh was like the blanket I could take comfort in when I had a scary dream, and I knew he would be there for me. Even if he was, and could only be their as a friend he would still be my support.

For now though I had to be alone. I started to head back to Billings, but on my way I was distracted by a bird flying over the building. It landed on the roof, and once again I was hit with a rush of memories.

I could feel the sharp pain in my head from when Ariana slammed me against the brick wall. I reached back to touch the blood dripping down my hair, but realized it was just a memory, something that happened a long time ago.

_Something that I will never have to face again._

I tried to repeat the thought over and over in my head, but then Ariana's words swept through my mind,

_"I should have just killed you in the first place. If I had just killed you, then Thomas and I would be together now. Together like we were supposed to be."_

I knew Thomas' death was not my fault but I still could not help but feel the guilt which Ariana had forced through me. If I had not come to Billings Ariana would probably be living the perfect life right now, Thomas would still be alive, and I would not have sleepless nights and spend every waking hour afraid of what was around the corner. My presence at Easton had ruined the lives of so many people, maybe it was my fault, and maybe I was responsible for the death and pain of so many of my friends.

I wanted someone to tell me that I would be okay, and that it was not my fault, but I knew that was not possible. Ariana was out there somewhere, and I would not have been surprised if she was already plotting her revenge. When her plan to kill me herself had not succeeded she had sent her sister to torment me and destroy my life, but once again that had been a failed attempt. Now that both Osgood sisters were free to do as they pleased, was I in as much danger as I felt like I was? Would they come after me? Would they finish what they had originally risked their lives to do?

_No_

That's all I could think. If I spent the rest of my life afraid of them coming after me I would never be able to smile or laugh again. I would never make friends again with the fear that they would all turn on me. I could not let Ariana and Sabine control my life like that. I could not let them win.

So I turned away from Billings and the memories that it held. Every inch of Easton was filled with a memory of Sabine and Ariana, and as much as I hated to admit it, some of those memories had been good ones. But that made the thought of them even worse, the idea that we had once been friends, and they had betrayed me.

In the attempt to leave that all behind I made my way towards the only place on campus where I felt safe, and the only place on campus that still held only positive memories.

* * *

**Hey, everyone, thanks for reading, and I hoped you liked it. Let me know what you think, or anything you think I could change. This one is a little shorter than the other ones, and I'm sorry about that, but I think it would have been too much to combine the two chapters together. Also, if anyone has any guesses as so where Reed feels the most safe, or what is going to happen next please let me know, I love to know what you are thinking. Good luck again on your exams! **

**Oh, and I know that this chapter conflicts a little with ****Privilege****, but I feel like this all could have still happened with Ariana. Plus, it did not really makes sense to me in ****Privilege**** that Sabine is hardly ever mentioned, you would think they would have been at the same facility or something. **


	18. Comfort

**Disclaimer: I do not own ****Private****, Kate Brian does. **

In my head I started to go through every building on campus. Each dorm was almost immediately associated with a negative memory. I thought about the library, but was reminded of all of the times I had spotted Ivy and Josh in there together, or the time I attempted to use another guys to make Josh jealous. Every place on campus could be connected to a bad memory, except for one.

I slowly made my way towards the Easton parking lot. I had only been there a couple of times, and in the snow it was a little difficult to find, but eventually I was successful.

When I got to the parking lot I was surrounded by the most expensive cars I had ever seen. To my left there was a red smart car sports car with a license saying "AllMINE," and to my right sat a small BMW convertible. I headed towards the back of the lot, and on my way I passed Dash's car.

For a few seconds I sat there wondering what it would be like to drive to the airport with Dash. For the last week I had been looking forward to spending winter break in St. Barts, but suddenly the idea did not seem very appealing. Dash would be expecting me to talk to him, but I suddenly doubted my ability to keep a conversation going. Would he want to talk about Sabine and Ariana? Was I capable of talking about them?

Thinking about the sisters reminded me of my mission, and I continued to move towards the back of the lot, where I found Josh's car. After everything happened with Thomas he had gotten a new SUV, and unlike his last car this car could only be associated with positive memories.

Over the end of my sophomore year, and the beginning of junior year Josh and I had spent countless hours in his new car. When the pressure of school and the Billings girls had become too much for me, Josh and I would just escape to the comfortable confines of his car. The radio would play softly in the background, and we would just sit and talk. I could almost feel his muscular arms wrapped around me as his fingers ran up and down my arm.

One day after news came out about Ariana's first trial all I wanted to do was run to Josh's car. But Josh was away for the day, and I had no way of getting inside. When he came back later that day and found me in the Art Cemetery falling apart. He told me that I would always be welcome in his car, and he taped a key to the underside of the car, so I could escape there any time I felt alone, and needed its comfort.

Now more than ever I felt alone. No one around me could relate to how I was feeling. I was the only person at school who had caused the death of two other people, and I was the only one who was probably still being hunted.

I slid my hand under the car and found the small indent which held the key. I hoped more than anything the Josh had not removed the key, thinking that I would never need it again. At first I could not feel anything but then I heard a light thump, and when I looked down I saw a small imprint in the snow.

I picked up the key, and shoved it into the hole at the bottom of the door. When I opened the door I was hit with a rush of Josh's smell, and it was the best feeling I had experienced over the last few days. I felt like I was basking in the sun, and Josh was holding me in his arms reassuring me that everything would be okay. I craved the feeling of Josh's arms, but I new his car would have to suffice.

I considered turning the engine on and just driving away, but I was worried Josh would report his car stolen, and I really did not feel like having to deal with the police. Instead I just climbed over the front seats and made my way to the back.

The bench seat was the perfect size for me to curl up, and forget my worries. I focused my thoughts on the smell of the car, and all the memories of the time Josh and I were there together. I thought about the time we had been caught by one of the teachers, and escorted back to campus. I remembered Josh and my long car ride to New York when we stayed in his apartment for the weekend.

As I thought about Josh my eyelids started to grow heavy and I drifted into a deep and dreamless sleep.

I awoke to the sound of an engine starting, and when I looked around I noticed that my surroundings had changed slightly. There was now a seatbelt stretching across my body, and a blanket lying on top of me. I also noticed a very comfortable pillow under my head, and wondered how everything had gotten there.

"Hello" I said from my lying down position. It may seem ridiculous, but I was too warm and too comfortable to risk loosing the feeling by sitting up to see who had started the car.

"Hello" I repeated a little bit louder, thinking maybe I did not get a response because my voice was still soft from sleeping.

"Reed?" the person asked, and I suddenly recognized the voice. It was Josh, of course, who else would it have been?

"What are you doing here," I asked him.

"Well this is my car." He replied laughing.

"Oh, yeah I guess that makes sense."

He did not answer, but continued to laugh.

"What is it?" I asked annoyed that he was laughing at me, when I was obviously not in any mood to be made fun of.

"Well I was just wondering how you managed to stay asleep while I was trying my hardest to wrap you up safely, and comfortable, but the moment I am finish you wake up?" He prompted.

"Um, I guess I am just a deep sleeper." I wanted to say that it was because the most comfortable thing in the world to me was his touch, so him moving me around would just increase the comfort, but I resisted the temptation to state my true feeling.

"Well that does not really explain why you woke up when I started engine."

"It was probably just the loud noise that startled me." I explained

Josh just sat there considering the possibility. I'm sure it occurred to him that the sound of his engine was not really that loud, and would probably not wake up a deep sleeper.

Finally, though I interrupted the silence. "Sorry about this" I said pointing down to the rest of my body, and the fact that I was lying across his seat.

However, I had not moved. I think I was still in sleep mode, and it did not occur to me that I was in someone else's car, and that someone else was probably about to go somewhere.

"Reed, you don't have to apologize. I'm happy that you still felt comfortable enough to come to my car."

"Well, the key was there, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to escape everything, I did not mean to intrude." I explained

He cleared his throat, and looked up at me. "Yeah, I left the key there hoping that you would always know that there was a place for you here, a place with me."

But, my eyes started to grow heavy again, and I was unable to respond. For a couple seconds, or minutes, maybe even hours, I was not really sure; we just sat there in silence. Then I started to feel the car moving, and I lifted myself on to my elbow.

"Where are we going?" I asked him.

But he did not answer my question he just said, "Shhhh, everything is going to be okay," and he leaned back to wrap the blanket back around me.

It was odd that he was responding as if I was panicking, but really I suddenly felt comfortable. It there was anyone in the world who I truly trusted it was Josh. Even after everything we had been through I still felt safe around him. And now more that ever I felt like only he could be my security blanket, and prevent me from relishing in the my most recent revelation.

**Hey, please review and let me know what you think. Sorry it took so long to get this one out, and sorry it is so short. I think I am just a little run down from midterms, but I promise (at least I hope) the next chapter will be better. **


	19. Stupidity

**Disclaimer: I do not write "Private," Kate Brian does.**

When I finally woke up I had absolutely no idea where I was. I surveyed my surroundings and realized I was now in a real bed not just in the back seat of a car. Also I noticed that I was in a room, and a very large room to be specific. There was a red and pink color scheme to everything, and in the corner of the room I saw a familiar figure.

Josh was sitting in a chair far enough away that his deep breathing was barely audible but close enough that he could have been watching me sleep.

"Hey" I heard him say from the dark corner

"Hey" I said smiling, even though I was pretty sure he could not see my face.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Would it be weird if I said I was still tired?"

"Not at all." Then he paused as if he was considering the next thing he was going to say. "Listen, if you want to go back to sleep I can go. I was just staying in here because I wanted to make sure you were okay. After I carried you in from the car…"

But I cut him off before he could finish. "You carried me in?" I asked.

"Well yeah, I mean I was not going to leave you outside, and let you wake up in the cold without any idea as to where you were." He said this like it was the obvious thing for him to carry me in, like he was rescuing me from a fire or something.

And that's when everything suddenly became clear. Josh _was_ my hero, and he always had been. When Thomas died he had been there to hold my hand and console me when I became uncontrollably emotional. He kept me feeling safe at Billings after I realized my best friends were the ones who had caused Thomas' death. When Cheyenne died he was just as supportive, even though I had accused him off hooking up with her. But the one time he needed me to save him I had not been there. I should have left with him that night at the Legacy, but I was selfish and stayed. I had let Josh down so many times, but he had always been there holding me up.

"Oh" was all I could manage to say. I knew it did not make any sense, but I was just so wrapped up in my thoughts that I could not process any words.

I had looked away from Josh while I was thinking, not wanting to look at the face which I had disappointed so many times, but out of the corner of my eye I started to see movement. Josh had gotten out of his chair and was now slowly walking towards the bed.

In most other cases I probably would have gotten up, or left the room completely, but this time I just remained where I was. Honestly I had no idea what I was going to do next, but I knew I could not push him away anymore. Suddenly every reason I had been avoiding him for the past week seemed to disappear, and all I could think of was Josh and me.

"So" he said as he sat down on the opposite side of the bed from me. "We should probably talk."

I was a little confused about why Josh was sitting so far away from me, but then I remembered the last time we had an in depth conversation was when I told him I did not want to be with him if he was with Ivy. He was probably just being cautious; after all I was acting a little crazy. First storming out of the Dining hall and then randomly showing up in his car.

Typically I was not the one to throw myself at someone else, but since as far as Josh knew I did not want to be anywhere near him, I decided to make my intentions more clear. I slowly inched towards Josh on the other side of the bed, and although he did not move closer to me, I was pleasantly surprised that he did not move farther away either.

"About what" I finally said when out bodies were only inches apart.

"Well, I thought maybe we could talk about Ivy," he said.

_What?_ I obviously did not want to be talking about Ivy, so instead I took matters into by own hands. I leaned in and gave Josh a soft kiss on the lips, but he did not kiss me back. I slowly pulled away when I realized the kiss had been one sided, and I looked at his face.

Josh looked back at me with such longing and love that I had no idea why he had not returned the kiss, but then I decided the reason did not matter. Josh pulled me back into his arms and kissed me again.

This kiss was deep and passionate. I felt his fingers move up my arm, and then down my back, resting lightly on the small of my back, but still holding me close to him. I kept my hands on his chest and could feel his muscular body under my fingertips.

"Reed" he whispered into my ear. "We really need to talk."

At that just ruined everything and I released his shirt plopping back onto the bed. "Man, you really know how to ruin a mood"

"No," he started. "I really know you, and I know that if I did not tell you what I wanted to, then you would probably regret everything we did, and are hopefully about to do." He said with a smile on his face.

I could not help but smile in return, but trying to keep up my cold shell I replied, "Fine, what did you want to tell me?"

"Well I just thought you should know that Ivy and I are over."

"What? When?" I asked confused.

"Actually we broke up the day I kissed you in the Art Cemetery." He said it like it was no big deal, like this did not change everything.

"What are you talking about? That night in the quad you said that you two were still together. You asked me if I wanted you to break up with her."

"And your response was 'no.' I was just so hurt by your answer that I decided it did not matter to you if we had broken up, and did not want to burned you with the details. I figured you would blame yourself."

I felt so stupid. If I had just answered honestly then we could have avoided all of the awkwardness. I could have gone right to Josh when I found out about Ariana and Sabine instead of sneaking behind his back.

"Well then you are right for the last part." I announced. "This is my entire fault. Ivy is probably hurting right now because of me. I can't believe I was such an idiot."

Josh pulled me closer again into his consoling arms, and whispered, "This is not your fault. Ivy knew the entire time that I was still in love with you. No matter how hard I tried to hide it, there was no way I could deny my true feelings. Then when I got your gift, and heard that you had been drugged I knew that I could not live without you anymore.

"but then Ivy was shot, and I did not know how I could go about handling the situation. I knew that I wanted to be with you, but then at the same time I knew that Ivy really needed me. Finally I decided it was not good for either of us to try to hold, on and I just told her what I was thinking. I'm pretty sure she knew it was coming because the entire time she seemed very calm and relaxed." He finished, taking a deep breath.

I was in shock. For the past couple days I had been avoiding him for no reason. I had put up unnecessary boundaries, and we could not be together for real. There would not be any guilt attached, everything could and would be perfect!

I was so excited that I threw my arms around him and the rest of my body followed. Josh was obviously not expecting this level of reaction, and was not prepared for the full force of my body. We rolled off the bed and hit the ground with a loud thump, but none of that mattered. I was too busy kissing the man of my dreams to realize anything was out of the ordinary. I was too busy falling in love all over again.

**Please review, and let me know what you think. Sorry I have not been getting them out as quickly. I just started reading the Sarah Dessen books, and they seemed to have taken up a lot of my time. **


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